Phil: Alls I'm saying is the other families had alibis, and you wouldn't be the first mother/son crime duo in history.
Madge: I told you, Phil, we didn't steal your sign. We slept in this morning.
Evan: Mother and I went clubbing last night. We went looking for a husband but lost ourselves on the dance floor.
Phil: Nice try, but I'm not buying what you're selling. [pops their balloons] Confess! I can do this all day! Or... ...six more times!
Gloria: [car horn honks] Phil! I'm tracking the thief that stole our sign! Hurry! He's getting away!
Phil: I guess this new information bursts my balloon. I bid you good day.

Josie: I'm going to jail. I signed things without reading them. What if I helped the pervs? What if I put the gun in their hand?
Alex: Doesn't sound like it was a gun in their hand.
Haley: [chuckles] Solid.

Longinus: Well, there you all are. Look, I love you, but you are literally the only six people here I don't want in my bedroom.
Mitchell: Thanks. We weren't feeling insecure enough already.

Bobby: You know what I think? You only invited us because we make you look like the hot old guy!
Longinus: Old guy? I'm not old.
Cameron: Oh, please. Hide that hairline all you want. We know what year you danced on that Paula Abdul tour, and so do they.
Longinus: Oh, my God. I'm making a fool out of myself, aren't I? Straight up, now tell me.

Alex: [aside to camera] Mom obviously wants me to take this big corporate job offer I got, but they're all so corrupt and mercenary. I want to use science to improve the world, like I did in Antarctica.
[flashback:]
Alex: [to a penguin] Back off, you disgusting snow chicken! Do not [bleep] with me!

Cameron: Okay, Lily, sweetie, do you want me to pack your bathing suit for the party?
Lily: Only if you want to wear it.
Mitchell: Is that the sass we love or the backtalk we hate?
Cameron: Unclear. Yeah. You know, there's a fine line between quippy and mean. I show her Golden Girls. It's just not sinking in.

Mitchell: Honey, it's gonna be fun. Longinus said lots of kids are gonna be there.
Lily: Yeah. Exactly. I'm not gonna wear a bathing suit in front of a bunch of judgy tweens. [exits]
Mitchell: Ah. It's Daddy time.
Cameron: Now? Shouldn't we go talk to Lily? Oh.

Gloria: So, Mr. Boss, how did I do at the open house?
Phil: Uh, honestly? Your vibe was kinda tense and the staging was so-so. This is big time, Gloria. You're not a homemaker anymore. I need you baking cookies, fluffing pillows, being bright and cheery for our guests. Son of a preacher man! Someone stole our sign again! What kind of sick mind messes with a man's livelihood?

Phil: [to Gloria] But I do need you to replace that sign ASAP. A-A post without a sign is so humiliating.
Old Woman: Oh, did it sell?
Phil: No! This is anarchy!
Old Woman: Oh! [runs away]
Phil: Keep going!

Waiter: Here you go, Ms. Dunphy. Nice and hot, like you like it.
Claire: He's nice and hot, like I like it.
Haley: Mom.
Alex: Wow.
Claire: No, it's cool. Time's up for dudes, not us.