Jay: That's what you're wearing to my club?
Manny: I'm headed right for the spa, and their robes stink like old rich guys... cigars, Scotch, and the panicked sweat of impending irrelevance.
Jay: Easy, Hemingway, we earned that smell.

Gloria: Hola!
Jay: Finally, she's here! Hurry! We're gonna be late!
Gloria: I am sorry. I'm only here for a few seconds. I have to go back to work.
Jay: Again?
Gloria: Jay, I finally found a job that I love. That's why I've been humping my bust.
Joe: Is that the right way...
Jay: No. No. No, no. It's not.

Gloria: I promise you, I am all yours this afternoon.
Jay: Eh.
Gloria: Stella, mama! You're gonna take good care of my boys, right? You're gonna take good care.
Jay: Don't patronize her. Be a constant presence in her life or you'll stoke her abandonment issues.

Mitchell: Doesn't matter what other people think of us. It matters what we think of ourselves.
Cameron: Right.
Lily: Oh. Great. It's all gays. I can do whatever I want. I'm invisible. [falls into the pool] Aah! I'm okay!

Longinus: Hey, girl, hey. Hey, girl, hey.
Cameron: Wait, what's going on? I thought you said there were gonna be kids at this party.
Longinus: No, I said young people. Look at the pool. It's boy soup. I like me some eye candy.
Mitchell: Okay, well, we like actual candy.

Gil Thorpe: Easy on the pressure there, Albert.
Phil: Sorry. It's my first time.
Gil Thorpe: Dunphy?
Phil: That's right.
Gil Thorpe: Well, look at you... landed on your feet after the real estate business chewed you up and spit you out.
Phil: It didn't spit me out. I'm here to scare you.
Gil Thorpe: By Sweeney Todd-ing me?
Phil: Don't emasculate my move. I'm Celie from "The Color Purple."

Phil: Now, stay still. I'd hate for you to lose your head, like I lost my si... [drops razor] Son of a... Ah! I dropped it. Where's the blue stuff? Just admit it. You've been taking the signs off my house on Sycamore.
Gil Thorpe: Phil, I'm gay now. Between pumping iron and bummin' out my dad, I don't have time for our petty rivalry. But if you ask me, this stunt's got Sue Liu written all over it.
Phil: Sue Liu.

Manny: Jay, you're just gonna make things worse if you act like a child.
Joe: Hey, I'm a child. That triggers me and hurts my feelings.
Jay: Damn hippie private school. Who's gonna fight the wars, guys? Who?

Manny: Rather than push Mom away, give her a reason to come home. For years, women have been waiting at their door for their husbands, martini in hand, wearing nothing but Saran Wrap. Maybe it's your turn.
Jay: You don't want to see this in Saran Wrap.
Manny: It's a metaphor. Come on. Do something sweet, and I bet the whole thing turns around. Who knows better how to love my mother, me or you?
Jay: You better get a job with mental-health benefits before all that bubbles up.

Cameron: How horrible is this party?
Ronaldo: I'm a skinny little girl with twig arms. It's all anyone's talking about.