Claire: No, no, no! Stop! No one's leaving. We're not gonna let one little misstep make us forget everything this company has given us. I loved being a stay-at-home mom. I did. But working here has given me a whole new sense of self. And come on. One mistake does not make us evil. We will come clean. We'll recall the product. We'll do whatever we have to do. Because under this tech B.S., there is a company we love. Look, we may no longer make smart closets, but we sure as hell are gonna make smart closets.
Claire: [closet voice] Looking for a smart outfit? Maintain eye contact with the mirror and begin stripping down.
Claire: I deeply regret that.

Phil: Look! That's him on the bike! He's going off-road!
Gloria: Don't worry! I'm gonna catch this guy or die trying!
Phil: I love your enthusiasm. One note, and... and this might be a second-language thing, but when you say "die"...

Jay: Freeze!
Phil: Jay? What a ray of light in a dark time.
Jay: Shut up, Phil.

Jay: Where's my dog? And what are you doing here? I thought you had a flat tire.
Gloria: I had to catch the thief that was stealing Phil's signs, so I put Stella's tracking thing on it.
Jay: What? What if she's down the street with that over-sexed Chihuahua?
Gloria: Jay, she needs it, and you can't be her everything!

Gloria: I get it. Change is hard. When I moved to this country, it was change. When I got married and moved to a mainly white neighborhood with kind of racist lawn statues, that was change. But we get to meet new people and we get to do new things that we love. 12 years ago, I didn't know these people, and now I would kill for them. You'll find people like that, too.
Sam: I hope you're right.
Gloria: I am. So, now let's go. Put that bike in my car, and I'll drive you home.

Phil: Gloria, that was so terrific.
Gloria: I know. I am wonderful! Why don't you want to hire me?
Phil: Because I was worried that it was a hobby to you, something to do till you got bored, but today, you really showed me something.
Gloria: You're giving me the job?
Phil: Yeah.
Gloria: This means that I'm gonna have to work more...
Jay: It's fine. If Sam can handle change, so can I.
Phil: Welcome to Dunphy Realty, Ms. Delgado.
Jay: Delgado? That's your working name? Man, the hits just keep comin'.

Mitchell: I mean, why are we so obsessed with how we look?
Raymond: So people will have sex with us?
Ronaldo: But confidence is the sexiest thing. That sounds stupid, doesn't it? I'm sorry. Look at someone else.

Cameron: Okay, but you know what? Confidence is the most important thing. And look, maybe we've lost a little of our beauty, but we have a lot to be proud of. I-I'm a vice principal, I'm a dad, I'm the city's first openly gay football coach.
Mitchell: And... And I'm a state prosecutor. Ronaldo has a business and a family. And... And Bobby... I mean, sure, his career's not on fire, but he looks great, and he's 50.
Bobby: I'm 37, you wicked old witch!
Cameron: But... But the point... Hey, the point is, at our age, we have earned the right to be comfortable with who we are. Now, let's get out there, set good examples for our children and our overly pampered pets. You with me?

Cameron: Whew.
Mitchell: You know, I am so proud of us. We overcame a lot today.
Cameron: Yeah, you know, I feel so much lighter without all that shame.
Mitchell: Although, I-I guess it wouldn't hurt us if we were actually lighter.
Cameron: Yeah. I mean, we could exercise more and both eat better. It would help if we got rid of some of these temptations, you know? Like, we don't need three different kinds of pasta.
Mitchell: Right, and, you know, Parmesan cheese, heavy cream... I mean, it's just empty calories and fat.
Cameron: We're totally making fettuccini Alfredo, aren't we?
Mitchell: Damn straight. We don't have another pool party for months.
Cameron: I'll salt the water.
Mitchell: I'm gonna get wine.