Claire: And, Alex, I know what that company is offering you. Doesn't it feel nice to be wanted?
Alex: Of course it does, but I don't want to sell out.
Claire: There is nothing wrong with taking care of Alex first. Hey, you can save the world on the weekends with all the money you're gonna make. [sings] She works hard for the money. Sing it with me.
Alex: We don't know what that is.
Claire: [sings] So hard for it, honey
Haley: Are you making this up?
Claire: [sings] She works hard for the money

Margaret: So, you know how our smart closets have scanning cameras so people can try on clothes virtually?
Claire: Uh-huh.
Margaret: Apparently, we have been recording people without their knowledge. Or their clothes.
Claire: Oh, my God.
Margaret: I have one of those closets. Oh. I-I talk sexy to the mirror in there. What if those movies get out? I can't have my mother seeing them.

[aside to camera:]
Jay: Gloria's been working a ton, so I've been picking up the slack at home, which is fine. It's just, even when she's here, she's not here.
[flashback:]
Jay: Guess what happened today. So, I'm at the park with Joe. Now, you know all the nannies think that Dakota's mom and Luca's dad are "twisting the sheets"? Well, this morning, they came together, sipping coffees, leaning up against the jungle gym, giggling like it's nothing. Now, they had to know what that looked like.
[Gloria pours a scotch, turns the TV on and sits down on the couch]
Gloria: Ay, my little busy bee. Tell me when dinner is ready. You're the best.
[back:]
Jay: Why, yes, Gloria. This is a new track suit. Thanks for noticing. It's not that hard.

Mitchell: Okay, we... we can't take our shirts off at this smoke show.
Cameron: Yeah.
Longinus: Calm down. You aren't even close to the oldest ones here. Look.
Mitchell: Oh. I was feeling...
Cameron: Oh, thank God. Well, I guess that...
[An older man takes off a bathrobe to reveal en extremely well-defined torso]
Cameron: Mm. Okay, my grandma was right. I ended up in Hell.

Sue Liu: Are you done? I have a showing at 10:00.
Phil: Hello, Sue Liu.
Sue Liu: Phil. So glad you landed on your feet.
Phil: I'm still a Realtor!

Claire: [closet voice] Hello, there. Are you ready to get undressed?
Claire: Why did I agree to do that?
Claire: [closet voice] Stand at the mirror and turn around so I can assess your body.
Claire: I'm basically a porn director.

Alex: Hacked dirty pictures? Mom, what is going on?
Josie: Uh, don't answer that. She could be wearing a wire.
Haley: Oh, no. It's just a bad bra.

Cameron: Why don't we just tell Lily one of us isn't feeling well and leave?
Mitchell: We can't. We just took a giant stand about loving our hideous bodies.
Lindsay: Dads! Get in the pool!
Mitchell: Oh, my God. She's making people look at us.
Cameron: Okay, yeah, maybe in a sec! [to Mitchell ]Okay, we have to hide from her.
Mitchell: You have to admit, the irony of this is delicious.
Cameron: Yeah, well, look at us. Apparently we think everything is delicious.

Nate: I told some twink by the crudités that I was swollen from a kidney transplant.
Mitchell: Well, then you have an excuse. Let me on that elliptical.
Cameron: I haven't felt this white since I loved the movie "Green Book." Alright, bronzer me. And I don't want you to be stingy. I want it everywhere. Everywhere.

Jay: Well, somebody should enjoy this.
Manny: I'm hungry.
Jay: Stella! She's probably down the street playing with that greasy Chihuahua. Where'd I go wrong? Why doesn't she know she deserves better?
Manny: I think I have some old cheese puffs in my room.