Phil: Can't believe you didn't treat yourself to a Bulldog Blast.
Claire: Isn't that basically just sugar, ice, and the stuff they you use to cover the Blue Man Group?

Phil: We're here to see the Dean of Admissions. We called. We're the Dunphys.
Receptionist: Ah. I'll tell Dean Hinden you're here.
Phil: Um, eh... Hinden?
Receptionist: Yes. Dean Rudolf Hinden.
Phil: I have a bad feeling.
Claire: Well, honey, you did just have two of those antifreezes.
Phil: No. Rudy Hinden, we were classmates. Super annoying, always "on." We cheered together, we... we tumbled together, we rolled around together, we were never close.

Dean Hinden: While you're here, I've always wanted to ask you something. You remember that magic trick you used to do where you got out of a straitjacket blindfolded?
Phil: Barnum's Humbug.
Dean Hinden: Yeah. That one. How'd you do it?
Phil: Magic. I-I feel like...
Dean Hinden: No, no, no, really... I've been trying to figure it out for years.
Phil: Um, I'm sorry. It's... It's not customary for a magician to reveal his secrets.
Dean Hinden: It's also not "customary" for a dean of admissions to alter an applicant's status, so... I'll go get the straitjacket from the nurse.
Claire: You're gonna do it, right?
Phil: I don't know. Let me bounce on it.

Claire: Phil, you can't possibly be struggling with this decision.
Phil: Do you know what happens to magicians who reveal their secrets, Claire? They're shunned.
Claire: Doesn't that happen already?
Phil: Listen, I possess knowledge passed down from the ancient Egyptian conjurers to the prestidigitators of the Dark Ages to the amateur illusionists of today.

Claire: Phil. Honey, you don't have to do this. Luke can join the army.

Mitchell: Go get my tickets.
Haley: Is my hair a mess? It's so humid out.
Cameron: You want to talk about humidity? I once spent a steamy weekend with a certain member of the Miami Sound Machine.
Haley: [chuckles] That's crazy! Do you know that they're in town tonight?
Cameron: What?
Haley: Can you get me two tickets?
Cameron: Oh, my God. These hands... they're so small and delicate like a child.
Haley: I know. This watch came from an American Girl doll.
Haley: Are you gonna hook me up or what?
Cameron: Yes, yes. Just as soon as you and your tiny little hands re-create a painting for me. This way.

Gloria: Manny, I know what you've been trying to do the whole day. I am not about to have a breakdown because you're going to college.
Manny: I was awake last night when you were brushing my hair.
Gloria: Okay, yes, it's going to be hard because you're gonna be far away, so I'm not gonna get to see you all the time.
Manny: But we'll still talk on the phone.
Gloria: Yeah, at the beginning, but then you're gonna get busy, and then I am going to get busy.
Manny: Too busy to take my calls?
Gloria: I have made peace with it. Your childhood days are over.

Justina: Guillermo, come back here!
Manny: What are you doing? Don't run away from your mother. Life is going to tear you apart soon enough.
Guillermo: I want to go on the merry-go-round.
Manny: Oh, you're on it. You've got ten years left with that woman. Cherish them. Cherish her.
Justina: Thanks?

Haley: Now get me those Gloria Esteban tickets.
Cameron: It's Estefan.
Haley: That's what I said. I'm a huge fan.

Luke: Wait, this doesn't make any sense. I got rejected by worse schools than this.Why would they want me?
Claire: Why wouldn't they want you? Honey, it's not all about grades. I mean, you were involved in... in... Yay! [all cheer]
Luke: Did you talk to them?
Phil: I'm sorry, what?
Luke: [laptop slams] Show me your tongue.
Phil: I don't know what that would prove.
Cameron: This kind of seems like an embarrassing family moment.
Mitchell: I'm on it.
Luke: Blue! You can't go to that campus without getting a Bulldog Blast.