Phil: Hey, buddy.
Luke: Nothing! [closes laptop] Sorry. Habit. I'm not actually doing anything wrong. Just checking to see if I got into A.S.U.
Phil: Without us?! Guys, get in here! It's happening!
[aside to camera:]
Claire: [aside to camera] Phil saw videos online of families celebrating the moment their kid got into college.
Phil: For pure drama, you can't beat that thing when an entire family's nervous anticipation turns into an explosion of utter joy.

Gloria: Okay, give it back to me.
Jay: No need. I got 'em.
Gloria: Oh, really? And you paid?
Jay: Yeah, you got your browser filling out your credit card info. It's not super secure, but, whoever steals them will probably spend less than you.

Gloria: And tonight we're going to celebrate. We're going to a concert. I got the tickets online.
Jay: Easier than buying them at the venue, I guess. What is the venue, uh, by the way?
Gloria: You can't buy them at the door. It's a private concert. It's just for the fan club. I remember our first Gloria Estefan concert. You were so little, sitting on my shoulders, holding the lighter.
Manny: I'm gonna leave.
Gloria: Yes, before I know it.
Manny: No, right now. I obviously need something to wear tonight.

Cameron: Hello, Mitchell.
Mitchell: Oh, God! [gasps, coughs]
Cameron: Is everything okay? You're looking a little ashen.
Mitchell: I'm fine. I-I... I accidentally spilled pig Lily's ashes, and I... I thought that I would...
Cameron: You would just replace them with Morris Pasternak's?
Mitchell: How'd you know?
Cameron: His class ring is by your foot.
Mitchell: Oh, yeah.
Cameron: That pig was my best friend.
Mitchell: Didn't you eat her mother?

Lily: Dad, I was thinking about the Pig Moon funeral tonight and how important Lily was to you.
Cameron: Aww, that is so sweet. You definitely inherited her compassion.
Lily: Remember that finger painting that I made of her, the one that you said that was museum quality? Can we bury it with her?
Cameron: I know exactly where it is.
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: I know exactly where it was.

Phil: It's an e-mail for Luke from my alma mater. Let's get him!
Claire: Oh, no, no! No, what if it's more bad news? Maybe you should read it first.
Phil: Claire, I am as anxious as you are to find out if he's gonna be a Bulldog like his old man, but we can't violate his trust. Sure, we could mark it as unread to cover our tracks, but we'd know...
Claire: He didn't get in.
Phil: What?! He's a legacy! Bulldog drool courses through his jowls!

Diego: [on the radio] You're on Caliente with Diego and The Donkey.
Jay: Hello! Yes! I'm calling about the Gloria Estefan tickets.
Diego: And they're all yours if you can complete this lyric... "Turn the blank around." One of her biggest hits from the '90s. We've been playing it all morning.
Jay: "Turn the car around."
Diego: Nope. Two more guesses.
Jay: "Turn the boat around."
Diego: [imitates buzzer] Try again.
Jay: "Turn the economy around"!
Diego: [trombone plays] You're an ass.
Jay: [donkey brays] Damn it!

Cameron: [aside to camera] I just had to re-create Lily's painting of Pig Lily, and she'd be none the wiser.
[flashback:] Cameron: Oh, it's like painting with sausages.

Jay: [on the phone] Sorry, Cam, no pig painting by Lily here. I do have some random scribbles that Luke made when he was... Huh, that's a little later than I'd hoped.
Cameron: Fine. Not a word of this to Mitchell. I'm sure you're curious why.
Jay: Wrong again.

Mitchell: Ooh! A scrapbook! Aww, look at this. All of our old school projects or paintings by me and Claire. Aww! You're just a big softie, aren't 'cha?
Jay: My lawyer's secretary put that together for my image at the divorce trial.
Mitchell: There's the old bear. Grr!