Lily: Why is your finger pink? This isn't mine. I knew the perspective was off.
Haley: It's Cam's fault. He made me copy it from a photo.
Cameron: You know what? I accidentally destroyed the original, and I couldn't live without it.
Mitchell: Mitchell Pritchett, Parenting Magazine. How is forging a child's painting any less egregious than replacing a pig's ashes with Mrs. Pasternak's dead husband?
Cameron: It's not. I'm a hypocrite. My whole life is a lie. Carlos isn't really in the Miami Sound Machine. He's just a... a basic dog groomer. [to Haley] Save your money. I couldn't get you your tickets.
Claire: You're spending money on tickets when you should be spending money on ticket... you know what I mean.
Haley: The concert tickets were for Mitchell.
Jay: So you didn't get my tickets?
Mitchell: No.
Gloria: So you didn't get my tickets.
Jay: The website was insane. You'd need the reflexes of a mongoose.

Luke: Guys, guys. I've got this. Guys. I talked to Judge Tager. He'll make your parking tickets disappear in return for a couple of Cubans.
Jay: You took three.
Luke: The other one is for the security guard at the club. He moonlights where Estefan's playing tonight. He'll meet you by the stage door.
Gloria: Thank you for fixing Jay's lies.
Luke: We all struggle with the truth. Like last Thursday when I stalled Jay at the club so you could get Joe out of the doggy door.
Joe: She locked us out, and the stove was on.
Luke: And you two.
Cameron: You know a guy at a club that can help us?
Luke: No. Just talk more. 90% of your problems would be solved if you just discussed things.
Cameron: The Vanderkoff is a knock-off.
Mitchell: I burnt a hole in the knock-off, and I had replaced it with a real one.