Mitchell: [aside to camera] Now I'm remembering why we haven't had a couples massage since our honeymoon. Aruba. That's not where we went. That's the noise he made.

Mitchell: No, I just can't relax with you making these noises.
Cameron: Well, I can't relax without making the noises.
Mitchell: Which is why I'm leaving. Thank you, Julio, and I'm sorry. I-I didn't catch your name.
Aweemaweh: It's Aweema-weh.
Mitchell: Good luck to you both.

Claire: Oh, Luke! Honey, hi.
Luke: Hey, Mom. Everything all right?
Claire: Of course. I just felt like making a stop by the hallowed halls of community college. What's with the police tape?
Luke: Oh, some frat guys decided to drive the dean's office to Burning Man.
Claire: Okay. Well, anyhoo, since we're here, before you drop that history class, could you possibly turn in an old paper of mine? I would love to get a second opinion on it.
Luke: Sure, but you know you just did something weird and I didn't ask a single follow-up question?
Claire: Yeah.
Luke: You owe me one of those.

Phil: I hope you guys like counting 'crows. Es-crows, that is. [laughter]
[aside to camera:]
Phil: It had become a familiar sound, my eighteen devoted students laughing as one. Only something was different this time. It sounded like seventeen. Could it be that I had a wobbler in my midst? Sure enough, Paige Stevens was going through the course catalog. If I lost her, I'd be below my minimum and lose the class. For the sake of those dreamers, I had no choice but to unleash the Dunphy charm.

Phil: Paige Stevens.
Paige: Present.
Phil: Oh, we already did that part, and you nailed it. I read your essay last night. Whom did you study privately with?
Paige: I'm sorry?
Phil: Come, now, Paige. Your insight, your grasp of the vernacular. W-Was it Freemont? Or perhaps one of the Europeans? [German accent] Scharfenbrugen?
Paige: No.
Phil: [normal voice] Oh, of course not. He lives as a recluse. He hasn't taken students in years. iInhales deeply] I'm simply saying that your raw instincts may be the best thing to happen to real estate since the allowing of split commissions in 1994.
Serge: Didn't you tell us it was...
Phil: Can we for one moment have a break from the Serge show?! Just promise me that in a few short years when you become the next Fred Dunham, that you'll come visit us?

[aside to camera:]
Phil: From there, it was a bit of flattery, a dash of encouragement, and Paige was turned.
[flashback:]
Phil: So, if I could paraphrase what our star pupil just pointed out, sometimes it's just a matter of finding the "dupe" in "duplex." [laughter]
[aside to camera:]
Phil: And there it was again, that sweet music... 18 people laughing. I'll see you all next week.

Phil: Uh, Paige. [reading] "Mrs. Paige Dunphy"?
[aside to camera:]
Phil: Curses. I'd over-wooed my wobbler.

Cameron: Well, that was quite a little snitfit back there. Were you trying to embarrass me, or...?
Mitchell: Mm, is that even possible? The singing in the restaurants, your Herbal Essence audition during the massage?

Cameron: You know, you're the one who should be embarrassed.
Mitchell: I am. Isn't that what we're fighting about?
Cameron: Look at you. You can't even put on your boxer-briefs in a men's locker room without your little terrycloth shame skirt.
Mitchell: [quietly] It's called modesty, Cam.

Gloria: Where have you been all day?
Jay: I see what you're implying. Fine. Her name is Laura, she means nothing to me, and the only reason my wedding ring is off is 'cause I was afraid I would lose it in her dough. I'm sorry.
Gloria: What the hell are you talking about?
Jay: Couple of e-mails. Harmless stuff.
Gloria: "Park by the swings so I can help you carry stuff in." These are what you're worrying about? There's nothing there.
Jay: Yeah, Mitch and Cam were implying there was something weird going on.
Gloria: That's crazy. She's, like, 35 and gorgeous.
Jay: [laughing] Exactly. Although, I don't think you read that e-mail the only way it could have been read. I mean, it could've gone, [sultry voice] "Park by the swings so I can help you carry stuff in."
Gloria: Sounds like she knows about your bad back.