Gloria: You're a good man. You have, like, a built-in alarm system. It keeps you in the right path.
Jay: Then why did you shoot me that look at school?
Gloria: It was meant for Joe. I worry that he doesn't have your strong conscience. I worry that he has my family genes where we can lie and lie and lie and lie without feeling one ounce of guilt.
Jay: Y-You don't lie to me, though, do you?
Gloria: Never.

Phil: Oh, good, you're okay.
Claire: I'm not that okay. I'm not a fan of this Paige. She's got some nerve.
Phil: So you're aware.
Claire: Oh, I'm aware. I'm aware that she has no problem putting her grubby, little paws all over something that doesn't belong to her.
Phil: I can see you're upset.
Claire: I am. I'm upset because I basically took the most boring thing in history and made it interesting. She thinks she can just come in here and just make it hers. No.

Luke: Can I go now?
Claire: Yeah. Oh, wait, honey. I like this girl for you. She deserves better than boxed wine. Haley keeps a nice bottle under her bed.

Claire: Paige, we have to talk. I-I may have sent some signals I didn't mean to send. Nonetheless, some of your behavior has been a little inappropriate, frankly, kind of disrespectful to my wife.
Claire: Oh, wait, hang on. Hang on. I changed my mind about that. I am not mad at you. All you did was take an interest in something that I should have dropped years ago.
Phil: Um, Claire.
Claire: And can I say something else? I'm all in favor of this relationship.
Phil: Claire?
Claire: I don't want to jinx it, but I think you could be exactly what he needs. I know, he may look like a man, but, honestly, in a lot of ways, he's still just a little boy. Complete mess in the bedroom. Although, here's a tip for you. He actually does respond well if you stay on top of him.
Paige: So, you're okay with...
Claire: Absolutely. As a certain U.S. president once said, "Let the era of good feelings commence."

Luke: [aside to camera] So, it turns out Paige was only making dinner for me so she could get close to my dad.
Phil: I am sorry, buddy, but I did warn everyone about the Dunphy charm.
Luke: It's also a little interesting that Paige's Realtor dad abandoned the family when she was 12.
Phil: Seems irrelevant.
Luke: He also dabbled in magic.
Phil: Now we're just having two separate conversations.
Luke: Did you know her last three boyfriends were 50?
Phil: Maybe spend a little less time with your nose in that psych book and a little more time being sexy.

Gloria: Joe, what is this?
Joe: Just some notes from my friend Hannah.
Gloria: Friend? This doesn't sound to me like that. This is very flirty.
Jay: Let me see that. "Dear, Joe, want to share half my Fruit Roll-Up?" Well, this is just kids being kids.
Gloria: Ay, don't be a fool. [sultry voice] "Dear Joe, wanna share half my Fruit Roll-Up?"
Jay: That's a different spin on it. Where's that voice been? Try this one.
Gloria: "It was so fun running at recess." "Randy's rash is really gross."
Jay: Maybe we should go upstairs. Watch your movie, Joe.