Cameron: No, I'm having some at-risk students over. Why, you ask?
Lily: I'm good.
Cameron: Well, 'cause I want to bond with these kids. I want them to know that even though the rest of the world's given up on them, I haven't. I don't want to just be their Vice Principal. I want to be their nice principal.
Lily: I can't believe you let this happen.
Mitchell: I didn't know there'd be wordplay.

Mitchell: We live in a society bound by laws. Okay? They're all that stand between order and chaos. And those who violate those laws wind up staring at the business end of...
Cam: [gasps] It's gone!
Mitchell: What, the spotlight on you?
Cameron: No, my porcelain clown figurine. It's supposed to be on this table. It's always on this table. [gasps] One of you stole it! [gasps] And on Lauren Bacall's birthday?
Mitchell: Cam. Cam. R-Relax. Uh, isn't the whole point of today not to prejudge them?
Cameron: Oh, please, Mitchell. They're trash. I know it. They know it. Everybody knows it.

Haley: [singing] Welcome home, my sweet babies After escrow, get the key
Claire: Please don't sing that song.
Haley: Sorry, it's better than "Pop Goes the Appraisal."
Claire: Aw. Shh.
Haley: Mom, what are you doing? Stop it. The book says you're not supposed to make eye contact during nap time.
Claire: They're babies, not Johnny Depp on a film set.
Haley: [singing] Open house, noon to 5:00 Such a charming fixer-upper

Phil: H-o-ow's it going?
Claire: Still crying.
Phil: You didn't make eye contact, did you?
Claire: That can't be a thing, Phil. And I'm getting a little sick of Haley insinuating that we don't know how to raise kids.
Phil: She can't be saying that about me. I spent half my 30s in blanket forts with those kids.

Gloria: Cuando te acuestas en una cama de perro por Stella, sabes que eres amado.
Jay: [over spekaer] It's perfect, honey. We got it. [quietly to Manny] She's never gonna get there. I'll ask one of the nannies in the park to do it next time I take Joe. They love me. I can never get out of there without a bag of tamales.

Sherry: Hi, Gloria.
Gloria: Hi, Sherry. Break your legs.
Manny: Okay, Sherry, whenever you're ready.
Sherry: Boy, am I tired after a day of playing fetch, digging, and sniffing other dogs at the park. If only there were an American-made bed... Ugh, I'm so sorry. That was terrible. Manny, can we start over?
Manny: I never stopped. Oh. You mean the commercial. Yes. Although, that was exquisite.
Gloria: I believed that you're a dog. It's Gloria.

Gloria: And you, you're embarrassing yourself.
Manny: What are you talking about?
Gloria: You're trying to win her back. The unbuttoned shirt, the cologne, the praising of her pedestrian performance. It's not gonna work, Manny.
Manny: Why not?
Gloria: Because if you want someone to like you, you need to make them want your approval.
Manny: Mom, that's a tired, old way of thinking that doesn't work.
Jay: [bringing Gloria a soda] Here you go.
Gloria: What do you think is wrong with this?
Jay: Damn it, the lemon! I'm sorry, baby.

Manny: L-Let's start from the top. And this time, not so slow.
Gloria: Stronger. Assert yourself, Manuel.
Manny: And I couldn't understand a word you were saying. Try to get the marbles out of your mouth.
Sherry: Oh, sorry. Yeah, whatever you need.
Manny: Wow, maybe this could work. [to Jay] While you're up, my shoulders are a little tight. You mind getting in there?
Jay: I don't think you want my hands that close to your neck.

Cameron: I invite you into my home, and this is how you repay me? Oh, I know what you were thinking. "He'll never miss it. He lives like a king."
Suzie: We didn't take your stupid clown!
Cameron: Interesting you know it's a clown, Suzie!
Suzie: You said it three times, Cameron.
Cameron: It's Vice Principal Tucker! Show some respect. I'm not your mom's pimp.

Cameron: [over video chat] Hey, Alex! Say "Hi" to Santa Claus. Bye!
Alex: I'm at the South Po...