Haley: How could you sneak behind my back like that?
Phil: Honey, we were just trying to help.
Haley: Well, you didn't. The book says 85% of pacifier users grow up to be cat people.
Claire: I can't believe I'm saying this, but you need to stop reading.

Claire: Honey, everybody has instincts.
Haley: Oh, do I? Because I keep waiting for them to kick in, and they haven't. And I don't think that they ever will. I just... Maybe I'm just not meant to be a mom.
Claire: Sweetie, of course you're meant to be a mom. Listen, it is normal to feel overwhelmed. Really. It... The best parents are the ones who worry they're doing it wrong.
Phil: Same goes for lovers.

Haley: Wait, are the babies still on the couch?
Claire: Oh, I'm sure they're fine.
Haley: It's locked. Babies start rolling over at this age. Do you have a key?
Phil: Uh, it's inside, but I hid one out here years ago. It's in, um... [whispers] It's in a fake rock. Can't... Can't find it. It's... It's too realistic. Why did I spring for the good one?

Cameron: Garbage. That's what I'm looking at here. Human garbage.
Carlos: Yeah, you're right. It's just like my mom says... I'm nothin'. I'm gonna join a gang, get a face tattoo.
Suzie: I'm gonna sell my hair for nose drugs.
Mitchell: No, okay, stop! I-I can't take it anymore. I'm sorry. I threw away the statue. It was... It was just so tacky. You guys, please don't give up on yourselves, okay? You have very bright futures.
Cameron: Yeah, you're right. They sure do... in theater. Because this is the theater group from school, The Emotivations! [laughter] Bravo! Brava! I found this in the trash the other day. I knew you put it there and wouldn't admit it. So I brought some very talented young thespians over to portray at-risk youth.
Derek: He got you, girl!
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: You know, I said I wanted to bond with these kids, and I sure did. We had some hard-core bondage.
Mitchell: You're gonna get fired.

Haley: George, please! Why are they still crying? Do you think they know they're chubby?

Claire: [over video chat] Hi, Alex! How's my little ice queen?
Alex: Didn't love being called that in high school, don't love it now.
Phil: Hey, honey. Um, people keep asking... Tell me again what you're doing?
Alex: Detecting the presence of neutrinos beneath the South Pole.
Phil: Yeah, you... you can stop. I'm just gonna keep telling them you're searching for the snow monster.

Luke: [over video chat] Seriously, Alex? You can't come downstairs to talk to us?
Alex: I've been gone for a month.
Luke: Wait. So, that's my hair in the drain?

Gloria: Ruff!
Jay: More Spanish.
Gloria: [trilling] R-R-R-Ruff!
Manny: If this is role-playing, I'd like to play the part of disgusted son.

Manny: Please, Jay. I need to prove to myself that I'm over her, that I can rise above it and be professional.
Jay: Fine, but if your emotions get in the way of this production, you will never work in dog-bed commercials again.
Manny: Don't worry. My only passion is helping you realize your creative vision.
[aside to camera:]
Manny: By day's end, Sherry will be mine.

Lily: Oh, no, which icon's birthday are we celebrating today?
Mitchell: Uh, Lauren Bacall's. We're dropping tulips by her grave later, but that's not what this is.