Phil: What's this? What? Hey, Jay, maybe after this, we should make the perfect mom. All we need is a tablespoon of love, one cup of warmth. Add one heart, softened.
Jay: What the hell are you talking about?
Phil: This recipe for the perfect mom, by Jay Francis Pritchett, age nine.
Jay: Geez, I forgot all about that. I didn't know she had that in there.
Phil: What's that, Francis?
Jay: Nothing. How much longer on the meat?
Phil: Ohh. I love this part about "serves one small boy." It's adorable. Wow. A hundred and seventy five pounds of tenderness. She must have loved that. Big woman? Jay?
[aside to camera:]
Phil: And that's when I saw it.
[back:]
Phil: Jay? Are- Are you crying?
Jay: No. It's the onions, damn it. Give me these. What are you looking at?
Phil: Nothing. Those really frame your face.

Claire: Okay, I don't want you to judge me, but I have to say something. Sometimes I wanna punch my kids.
Gloria: You don't mean that.
Claire: No, I do. I do. The last time they were horrible the way they were today they happened to be all lined up and I couldn't help but think if I hit just one of 'em the rest would go down like dominoes.
Gloria: Geez.
Claire: I know. That would rob me of the pleasure of hitting each one individually, but...

Luke: You know, more people have died hiking than in the entire Civil War.
Alex: Okay, what book did you read that in?
Luke: Book? Wake up and smell the Internet, grandma.

Mitchell: Here.
Cameron: What's this?
Mitchell: Well, it's a Mother's Day card. And I know- Stop it. Okay, Cam, that was Gloria's card from Manny. But I just wanted you to see what its definition for "mother" was on it. It's "warm," "nurturing ," "supportive." I- Maybe when the world sees you-
Cameron: Not just the world.
Mitchell: Fine. Fine. Me too. But maybe this is what we're seeing and I don't know why that's such a bad thing. It certainly doesn't make you less of a man. Right?
Cameron: Maybe you're right.
Mitchell: Yeah. Come on. Let's join the party. And, Cam, put down the scotch. You're not fooling anyone.
Cameron: It is so burn-y.

Claire: It's just hard, you know, having your Mother's Day ruined. I never thought it would be you, Lucas.
Alex: Don't even think about it.
Luke: But she's sad.
Haley: Sad she's losing. She just hit you with her best shot. We need to stay strong.
Luke: But I feel-
Haley: Don't feel. Just go splash water on your face and man up. We're your mother now.

Jay: Yeah, she was tough. I remember I had this little league coach, and one time after a game he was laying into me about something I don't remember. But Mom comes charging out of the stands. She goes right up to the guy. I mean, face-to-face. Nose to nose. And she says to him, "Let me tell you something. Nobody and I mean nobody yells at my little boy..." [sobbing]
Gloria: Oh, my God. It's happening again.
Cameron: It's okay, Jay. Let it out. Let it out.
Jay: You only get one mom.

Cameron: They offered me a bouquet, Mitchell.
Mitchell: Which you accepted.
Cameron: Why can't you ever take my side? They think of me as a woman.
Mitchell: Cam, no. We're just a new type of family. They don't have the right vocabulary for us yet. They need one of us to be the mom.
Cameron: So why does it have to be me? Do I wear a dress?
Mitchell: Well...
Cameron: That's a nightshirt.
Mitchell: It's kind of satiny.

Haley: I cannot believe you kept that shirt.
Claire: Of course I kept it. I'm your mother. I keep everything you make me.
Haley: Please take that off.
Claire: Oh, when I'm dead. Today is my special day, and I am gonna enjoy me some coffee.
Luke: You know that's a pencil holder, right?
Claire: I do now.

Jay: Go first.
Manny: No, you can go first.
Jay: Manny, go first.
Manny: No, Jay, you go first.
Gloria: Somebody give me a present.

Cameron: Hey, what's this?
Mitchell: Well, I know you've had some late nights with Lily and this is just my way of saying thank you and I love you.
Cameron: Oh! Thank you.
Mitchell: And this is just the beginning. Today is your day.
Mitchell: Today?
Mitchell: Yeah. All day.
Cameron: Today? Today's my day?
Mitchell: Something's happening.
Cameron: It's Mother's Day, Mitchell.
Mitchell: So?
Cameron: You're bringing me breakfast in bed on Mother's Day.
Mitchell: Okay. No, no. This is not a Mother's Day breakfast. This is a breakfast that happens to be-
Cameron: You think of me as Lily's mother. I'm your wife. I'm a woman.