Gloria: Oh, my God. You don't talk about your children this way.
Claire: Oh, come on. You know Manny irritates you.
Gloria: No. Manny is the best thing that ever happened to me. We have a special bond.
Claire: Yes. Bonds. I know. But that's not what I'm talking about now.
Gloria: Claire, for a long time, it was only the two of us. I cannot say anything bad about that boy.
Claire: Give me a break. Gloria, anybody who's ever had a kid knows that they can irritate the freaking life out of you at some point. Am I right? Oh. Okay.
Gloria: He's persnickety.
Claire: What?
Gloria: Manny. He's persnickety. It drives me up the wall.

Gloria: And he follows me around all the time. Sometimes I love it, but sometimes I need my own space.
Claire: This does not make you a bad mother to admit these things.
Gloria: And the poetry it's not very good.
Claire: Ha.
Gloria: First time that I say that out loud.
Claire: Okay.
Gloria: It's not very good!
Claire: Wow. I love Manny.
Claire: Right.
Gloria: But sometimes I- Just be a boy. Go outside. Kick a ball. Steal something. Oh, it feels so good.
Manny: Maybe to you.
Gloria: No, Manny. Ay! I was talking about another Manny that I know long time ago. [to Claire] Diablo.

Haley: You know Mom's just gonna want us to apologize.
Luke: Well, we did kind of ruin her Mother's Day.
Haley: No. She ruined her Mother's Day. She took us to a place she knew we wouldn't like and then we complained for, like, a second and we're the bad guys?
Alex: That's a good point. You ever get the feeling she does this intentionally?
Luke: Why would she do that?
Haley: So she can make us feel guilty.
Alex: Exactly. And the next time we're choosing what to do, she gets her way again. And the next time and the next time and eventually it's Mother's Day every day.

Haley: I say we don't apologize this time. Let her know we're onto her little game.
Alex: We could change the way this whole family operates.
Haley: Okay, so nobody says they're sorry. Got it? Keep your mouth shut when she comes back.
Luke: If she comes back.

Jay: I need you to get away from me.
Phil: Yeah. Okay, I'm just gonna say this one time so we can move on. It's okay.
Jay: Gotcha.
Phil: You know what "it" is? It's you crying.
Jay: Which I didn't.
Phil: You teared up.
Jay: It was the onions.

Cameron: What are you saying?
Mitchell: Come on, you know.
Cameron: No. No, no. No, no. I don't know.
Mitchell: All right, if I'm thinking about it, of the two of us, if I had to pick I-I might say that you're slightly mom-er.

Claire: I'm gonna intervene here. Manny, let's talk about what really happened. Your mom said you should go out and throw a ball around. That can't be the first time you've heard that.
Manny: No. But there was some hurtful stuff said about my poetry.
Claire: Which your mom regrets.
Gloria: I do.
Claire: So, that's what parents are for. Sometimes they criticize because it helps make you stronger. Kids these days get-get trophies just for showing up. What's that gonna lead to? A bunch of 30-year-olds living at home. Manny, your mother loves you very much. She's a human being. So she let off a little steam. Honestly, it's probably a great thing for your relationship.

Gloria: Stop. He needs to know the real truth. Manny, Claire was feeling bad because she wants to hit her own children. So I tried to make her feel better by inventing terrible things about you.
Manny: You mean, you don't have a problem with my poetry?
Gloria: No. The only problem that I have is that I never have enough of it.

Jay: Is anybody hungry? What?
Gloria: You cried for your mommy.
Jay: Oh, crap. I did not.
Gloria: Yes. Phil just told-
Phil: No, that's not true. She's a liar.
Jay: What's wrong with you? Look, I know you would all be so happy if you thought I had some big emotional moment about my mom, but I didn't.
Manny: So you don't miss your mom?
Jay: Of course I do. She was a great lady. And she also left me a fantastic recipe for sauce, which now is getting cold. So can we please eat?

Lily: [over baby monitor] Da-da.
Mitchell: I think she's calling you.
Cameron: Don't even try. I have that pottery class in the morning.