Luke: You got us a dog?!
Claire: No, no! It's a stray, and we are not keeping him. Be quiet. Your dad cannot know he's here. If he sees him, he'll get all attached, and there's no getting rid of it.
Haley: Oh, it'll be like Luke all over again.
Luke: At least they were married when they had me. You ruined mom's life.
Claire: Stop. I am now very happy I have all of you.

Reece: I brought you some Scotch.
Jay: Wow. That's quite a bottle.
Reece: Thank you.
Jay: Mm. Hey, Gloria tells me you're the Kings' dentist.
Reece: Well, when you say it like that, it sounds so hoity-toity. [chuckles] Why don't we crack that open? And do you have any Cohiba Robustos?
Jay: Oh, I wish, but, you know, they're impossible to find.
Reece: Hmm. Well, look at that. I just found two.
[aside to camera:]
Jay: Okay, the guy wasn't all bad, but I couldn't let Gloria know or it would open the door for a whole bunch of new things I don't want to do: trendy restaurants, movies about how women feel about crap. And who needs it?

Claire: [scoffs] As if this week wasn't bad enough, now my hardware supplier in Brussels is flip-flopping.
Phil: Sounds like you're dealing with a real Belgian waffle.

Coop: Aah, this is devastating. If we don't play, we won't get paid, and we don't have enough money to get home.
Mitchell: Hey, you don't know what Dex is going through. One hath to be true to the way one was born.
Cameron: Okay, you can't just add "hath" and pretend it was in the Bible.

Phil: But if you're open to me getting a pet...
Claire: Yeah. Of course. Get a dog.
Phil: No, I don't want a dog. I want a cockatoo to take rollerblading. How cool would that be sitting on my shoulder my half shirt flapping in the wind?
Claire: You're not getting a bird.
Phil: Are you serious?
Claire: Yeah. People that have birds and walk around with them on their shoulders, they look ridiculous. It's obviously a desperate cry for attention.
Phil: Okay. Now I need some time to myself.

Coop: Hey, everyone, let's gather for the pre-show prayer.
Cameron: Ooh! Kind of like Madonna and her backup dancers.

Coop: [singing] The world may be flat But it's always changin' So many sins from topics that are rangin' Devil's done with breakfast, and his evil is ragin'- Which is why - Which is why - Which is why - Which is why Man shouldn't lie Man shouldn't lie Man shouldn't lie with another man Man shouldn't lie Man shouldn't lie Man shouldn't lie with another man There's a party in hell And the drinks are always flowing I think we all know the kind of people that are going Man shouldn't lie Man shouldn't lie Man shouldn't lie with another man-
Cameron: Unless they really love each other-
Coop: Man shouldn't lie Man shouldn't lie Man shouldn't lie with another man
Cameron: The Jesus I know loves everyone Even if you're gay or straight Doesn't matter about your sexuality!

Phil: Honey. I got some vase options. What happened?
Haley: Um... What do you think happened?
Phil: I think she saw those flowers as the shallow, transparent gesture they were and shredded them to pieces in a justifiable rage.
Haley: Yep.
Phil: What have I done to upset her so much?
Haley: Maybe you should look in a mirror and ask yourself that question.
Phil: Sweet Teen Wolf, what have I become?

Phil: Hey.
Luke: That staycation beard's really taking shape, Dad. It's starting to trap food.
Phil: Yep. It's gone from itchin' to bitchin'.
Luke: And you're still rocking the sweats.
Phil: Every day this week.
Luke: Same underwear?
Phil: What underwear? [telephone rings] Hold that thought.
Luke: Do I have to?

Phil: [answering phone] Mayor's office. City of Phila-Dunphy-a.
Claire: I'm sorry. I just got done. My computer crashed, and we got four pallets of hinges from Taiwan with faulty riveting.
Phil: At least your story's riveting. [to Luke] It's clever. I'll tell you later.