Phil: [on the phone] Hey, why is the minivan in the driveway?
Claire: You parked me in this morning. I was running late for a meeting, so I just took Haley's Corolla.
Phil: Fun.
Claire: It would be if it didn't smell like the inside of Bob Marley's laundry hamper.

Mitchell: Uh. What is that noise?
Cameron: Let me remind you that it's been weeks since we've had a tenant up there.
Mitchell: So you rented it to a rock band?
Cameron: A Christian rock band.
Mitchell: Oh, good. Okay, so they're noisy and judge-y.
Cameron: Shame on you and your narrow, big-city attitude. I've known many accepting people of faith.
Mitchell: And I've been chased into a lake. So I guess we're both entitled to our opinion.

Coop: Come in.
Cameron: Hey. This is Mitchell, and the music sounds great. Just wondering if you could turn it down a-a skosh.
Coop: Yeah, of course. We're sorry. Just giving the guy upstairs a taste of our new song.
Cameron: He means God.
Mitchell: Really? There's no third floor I don't know about?

Dex: We love the place, by the way. It's just scrumptious.
Mitchell: Good! Good! So, you guys are a Christian rock band?
Coop: Water to Wine. Yeah, that's us.
Mitchell: Well, I hope you're not expecting to bring all your groupies back here. [laughs]
Coop: Don't worry. The Soldiers of the Lamb Church forbids premarital relations. But I can think of a few ladies I wouldn't mind multiplying with after our elders give us their blessings.
Tyler: I heard that.
Dex: We love girls!

Dex: But as long as you guys are here, I need an outsider's opinion. I'm working on a song, but these guys think it's too soft. Do you mind?
Cameron: Um... lay it on us, bro.
Dex: Okay. [singing] Hiding for so long The real me, I don't belong I'm not myself, I never was I cry at night and all because I'm trapped on a secret path I need a holy bath To wash away the sins I hide To douse the fire I feel inside
Coop: Aw, dang it, Dex, you're bumming me out!
Tyler: Whoa. Calm down, Coop. Just 'cause we're in the city doesn't mean we got to talk like it.
Coop: I'm so sorry.
Mitchell: You know what, Dex, I like that song. Yeah. What's the title?
Dex: I call it "A Cry for Help."
Mitchell: Did you hear that?
Cameron: Yeah, I'm standing right here.

Alex: Sanjay's home this weekend. It's kind of a big day for us - our first anniversary. Look what I got him. It's a hadrosaur metacarpal for his dinosaur bone collection. Too much?
Haley: Well, what's the equivalent gift if you guys were normal? Like, a Starbucks card or a Rolex?
Alex: Kind of like a really nice microscope.
Haley: You're not helping.
Luke: I thought the gift for a first nerd anniversary was inhaler.

Phil: Is that what I think it is?
Claire: Uh, no.
Phil: Yeah, pizza's here.
Claire: Oh.
Phil: How you doing? [dog growls] What was that?
Luke: [growls] I'm the pizza monster! It's this new character I'm doing. [chuckles]
Phil: I love it. I really love it.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: I didn't really love it. It felt a little close to my Chicken Pot Pirate.

Manny: Who's that?
Joe: Noni. She can be invisible.
Manny: Who's that?
Joe: Gogo. He can jump off of buildings.
Manny: This is the most unrealistic show I've ever seen. Who's that?
[Joe face palms]

Jay: Reece. Probably can't even work a gate.
Gloria: Maybe you'll like him. He's the Kings' dentist.
Jay: Well, hoity-toity. I'm the emperor's closet maker.
Gloria: The L.A. Kings hockey team.
Jay: Kings' dentist. Why does he say it like that? What, is he trying to be all fancy?
Gloria: He didn't say anything. I said it.

Phil: Is that a dog?
Claire: What? No. [dog whimpers]
Phil: That sounds like a dog.
Claire: You will do anything to avoid hearing me talk about work, won't you? I'm -- I'm just gonna go cool off downstairs. Yep.
Phil: Honey?
[aside to camera:]
Phil: She is right. Sometimes I don't listen. That's what she said, right? That I don't listen?