Jay: Why would I want these people in my house messing up my poker game?
Gloria: Maybe you'll meet new friends.
Jay: We've been over this before. I don't want any new friends. I have the exact-right number of friends.
Gloria: Jay, your friends have been around since before the movies could talk. I don't think it's the worst idea to start getting some backups.

Gloria: Dana, come with me to the kitchen while the boys get to know each other.
Dana: All right. Did you hear they're thinking of eliminating cursive at the school?
Gloria: All of it, or just the "F" word?

Jay: Great. Now I'm stuck going to some boring charity event with Reece. You see what your mom got me into?
Manny: Jay, come on. Keep an open mind.
Gloria: All we're saying is give Reece a chance.

Gloria: Stop with the lies. I really don't understand men. Why can't you just admit that you were wrong? It's not a weakness. It's a strength, and I would love you and respect you more.
Haley: Fine. I like Reece, and I want to go away with him.
Gloria: I knew it! I was right, and you were wrong! From now on, we're gonna do new things all the time. Tomorrow we're going to an Ethiopian restaurant, and then we're gonna watch a movie about a love letter that arrived 30 years late and changed the life of two women.

Jay: I'm just saying that maybe, before you join the French resistance, you walk the 15 feet to your neighbor's house and ask her did she get your damn love letter.

Gloria: For someone that says that they don't want to talk about the movie, that's all you seem to be talking about.
Jay: I think it's better than putting this yellow mush in my mouth.
Gloria: Yeah, maybe if you opened up your mind, you would see that this is actually delicious. Mm-mmm!
[aside to camera:]
Gloria: It was disgusting, but I could never let Jay know that he was right.
[aside to camera:]
Jay: Food wasn't terrible. And if I'm being honest, the movie sort of stayed with me.

Claire: [on the phone] Anyway, I've got a bunch more calls to make.I'm not gonn a have time to cook tonight.
Phil: We could go out. There's that new restaurant, Sliders. The gimmick is they built it on a slant, and the waiters all wear socks.
Claire: That doesn't sound good at all.

Gloria: Don't forget you have to watch Joe while we have company.
Manny: Again?
Gloria: Yes, again. What is the problem?
Manny: He always wants to watch his show "Mystery Kidz," with a "Z." It's insufferable.
Gloria: Now you know what I felt when I had to watch your favorite show.
Manny: "Masterpiece Theater"?
Gloria: It was hosted by a creepy puppet.
Manny: That was Alan Cumming.

Gloria: Ay, Jay, you have to add two more chairs.
Jay: For who?
Gloria: It's us, the McClouds, and the Sharps. I also invited my friend Dana and her husband, Reece.
Jay: Reece? Who's Reece?
Gloria: I just told you. Dana's husband. I met her at the PTA lunch, and she's the only woman in the anti-bullying campaign that I don't want to punch in the face.

Lily: Hey, Daddy, what's a lowest common denominator?
Cameron: Reality TV.
Lily: That's hilarious, but I've got a quiz tomorrow.