Gloria: Why would you even say that this place was dangerous?
Manny: It was a lot scarier at dark. There was jazz.

Haley: Hey, what's this building's number? I'm trying to Postmates a smoothie.
Alex: Shh!

Professor Arvin Fennerman: You, with the phone! What's your name?
Alex: Alex Dunphy.
Professor Arvin Fennerman: Ms. Dunphy, is my story of saving the world whilst accidentally creating three new elements boring you?
Alex: Uh, no. No, no, no, no, no. I'm so sorry, Professor. Nothing you could say would ever bore me. I revere you. I actually went as you last year for Halloween.
Haley: Okay, it's my phone. Don't blame my sister. [answers phone] Hey, Chelsea. Gonna have to call you back. [gasps] Shut up! Shut up!
Alex: Shut up!

Professor Arvin Fennerman: Excuse me, Chelsea's friend. Y-You don't look like one of my students.
Haley: Oh, thank you! That is so sweet.
Professor Arvin Fennerman: No. Why are you here?
Haley: Oh, I have a really big job interview today, and I need someone to look over what I wrote for my-
Alex: Yeah, we're going. I'm taking her out. I am so sorry.
Haley: What? He asked. You're being rude.

Claire: Actually, do you have any sources for antique pineapple knobs? We're doing this whole colonial line-
Shirl Chambers: Ooh, I bet you Lazlo would know. He's our lead designer.
Claire: Everybody knows who Lazlo is. He's a legend.
Shirl Chambers: Yeah, and my only employee worth a damn. Robot workers. Now, that's the future.
Claire: Right! They work 24/7, and you don't have to buy them a birthday cake.
Shirl Chambers: Yeah, and as they become more human, you can be like, "Hey, you, come into my office", and then you just go to town on them.

Mumford: Can you describe her?
Manny: - Brown hair, high cheekbones-
Gloria: What is he gonna do, build her out of Legos?
[later:]
Manny: Huh, that is surprisingly effective.

Poet: Wait a minute. I know that girl. I think she works at a cupcake shop.
Phil: Great. Where is it?
Poet: Well, I'm not sure which one because we have four. There's Cupcakes! with an exclamation point, there's vegan cupcakes at Cupfakes, there's Pupcakes, which sells cupcakes for dogs, and then there's Rick's VCR Repair.
Lazlo: Oh, they make the best cupcakes.

Mitchell: Cam, is it is it is it possible that we're actually enjoying ourselves and and that Max was right?
Cameron: Maybe we do defer enjoyment.
Mitchell: All those unspent frequent flyer miles, the boots that I have waited so long to wear that they're no longer in style, the the the surfboards that we've never used because it just "had to be the perfect beach day".

Claire: Why are you always in my office?
Jay: I do my best work in here. [sighs] I've been trying to get into his head. I even brought his favorite lunch shrimp cocktail and bourbon.
Claire: Or that's just what you have for lunch every day.
Jay: That's another thing Earl stole from me!

Jay: Let me ask you a question. Did you tell her we're bidding on Belmont Gardens?
Claire: No. Why?
Jay: Because 15 minutes ago, I got a phone call saying just out of the blue, Closets Closets Closets Closets is bidding against us. Did she see your proposal?
Claire: Yes, Dad! I'm quite sure she rifled through my bag when I was in the bathroom.
Jay: You went to the bathroom? Why don't you just give her the company?!