Jay: Bingo! Ketchup!
Claire: What does that prove?
Jay: Did she have ketchup for lunch?
Claire: She had French fries.
Jay: There's your smoking gun. Margaret? I'm gonna need fries and ketchup to get in Shirl's head.

Margaret: Um, bad news. Uh, we finally tracked down those pineapple knobs, but they were all just bought up by Closets-
Claire: No.
Margaret: Closets
Claire: No, Margaret!
Margaret: Closets Closets.
Claire: [sighs] Shirl screwed me.

Professor Arvin Fennerman: Hello.
Alex: Sorry! Hello, Doctor. Would you like down sit?
Haley: What?
Professor Arvin Fennerman: Kind, that's very you of, Alex.

Professor Arvin Fennerman: Um, tell me again, why were you in my class?
Haley: I have a very big interview with Nicole Rosemary Page, and she was just-
Professor Arvin Fennerman: Ugh! You know she's a snake oil salesman, right?
Haley: Yes, I know. People complain about the diarrhea all the time, but that is the point.
Professor Arvin Fennerman: Her science is utter nonsense. I mean, space stickers that give you energy, and crystals that absorb Wi-Fi, and seriously $1,200 socks?
Haley: Those sheep eat nothing but sushi.

Haley: Are we done here?
Professor Arvin Fennerman: Surprisingly, not. This might sound crazy, but I'm going to marry you.
Alex: What?!
Haley: I'm sorry, first time talking to a real girl?
Professor Arvin Fennerman: No, l-l-listen. I-I-I don't get it. Uh, frankly, it boggles the mind, but I've been running dozens of probability scenarios in my head since we met, and and they all end with us [inhales] together.
Haley: I have heard some lame pickup lines in my day, but-
Professor Arvin Fennerman: Oh, I have plenty of those. Um, are you a neuro-electrical current because you've been running through my mind all day? But th-th-that's not what this is. This is going to happen, Haley Dunphy.
Haley: Ew, how do you know my name?
Professor Arvin Fennerman: I know everything. Also, your pass has your name written on it.
Alex: I think I'm gonna pass out.

Luke: [hoarsely] Hey!
Phil: Luke! You're okay!
Luke: I got stuck on the roof.
Phil: [laughing] I'm so relieved! I don't have to kill your mother!

Phil: [aside to camera] Turns out, Luke had to go to the bathroom. Someone told him it was upstairs, so he walked all the way up to the roof and locked himself out. His phone was dead, and he he lost his voice trying to scream over the street musicians. I was so relieved, I ran up there and gave him a big kiss.
[flashback:]
Phil: Gloria! Hi. We're stuck. Could you pop on up and open the door?
Gloria: [sighs] Dunphy men.

Jay: Hello, Lazlo.
Lazlo: It's pronounced "Lazlo".
Jay: That's what I said.
Claire: Thank you so much for meeting with us. Have you had a chance to consider our offer to join Pritchett's Closets?
Lazlo: I'm intrigued, but I have a list of demands.
Claire: Ah, yes, of course. We have, uh [clears throat] uh, "Two turquoise bowls of white Chiclets, an empty office with a drain in the floor". What's a "scream room"?
Lazlo: I think that's self-explanatory.
Shirl Chambers: Pritchett!
Jay: Girl Earl!

Shirl Chambers: You're actually trying to poach Lazlo from me? I thought we were friends.
Claire: We were, and then you bought all my pineapple knobs.
Shirl Chambers: As a gift!
Claire: What?
Shirl Chambers: I had them sent to you.
Claire: You did?
Jay: Don't listen to her. This is all part of some sick plan. Stealing Claire's proposals, Earl's urn to get in my head. But your little games are not gonna work.
Claire: Yeah. Yeah, how do you explain the red ketchup stains on my proposal, French Fries?
Shirl Chambers: I never use ketchup. I like my fries the way I like my Lazlo, undressed.
Lazlo: Twiddle-Dee.
Claire: You guys have a really complicated relationship.

Jay: What is she up to?
Claire: No, no. Your crazy conspiracy theories just cost me a friend. I thought I'd finally found an an ally in this industry, somebody to to climb the hill with.
Jay: Up the hill! Oh, my God! That's it!
Claire: No, no, you do not get to have an epiphany right now! I am furious at you!
Lazlo: The answer is yes.