Manny: I have a big report due, and the teachers don't seem to care about the substance. All they care about is the flash.
Gloria: Manny, sometimes you can be a little bit old-fashioned. Remember the first time you saw the kids with the backpacks with wheels and you thought they were too flashy?
Manny: You're going to school, not boarding a flight to Denver. It's getting absurd. Reuben freestyle-rapped his report on Irish immigrants. That doesn't even make sense. Maybe you do a Riverdance. Maybe.

Gloria: What is your report on?
Manny: The mafia.
Gloria: Perfect. We do a papier-mache Tommy gun.
Manny: Oh, no. We shouldn't have to jazz it up.
Gloria: Okay, then we go upstairs and we get your old rocking horse and we chop the head off.
Manny: No, that's a terrible idea. I love Brownie!
Gloria: Do you want to send a message or not?

Josh: So I flipped through your proposal, and here's the thing. We're about to build our largest luxury condo complex yet. And I have an important question for you. What is it you want to build?
Jay: Closets.
Josh: See, I was kinda hoping you'd say "dreams."
Jay: I thought that was implied.
Josh: Jay, I'm looking for closets nobody's ever seen before, you know, a big "wow!" You know what I'm saying?
Jay: You want a nice closet with sharp design, quality materials, and expert craftsmanship.
Josh: Uh, I mean, I want it to be like, bam! You know, people are gonna walk in there and go, "whoa! What do I hang first?"
[aside to camera:]
Jay: I wanted to hang myself.

Haley: Do you have any money saved up?
Luke: I'm comfortable.
[aside to camera:]
Luke: I've saved $1,217. It wasn't even that hard.
[flashback:]
Claire: Don't forget your lunch.
Luke: Thanks, mom.
Phil: Don't forget your lunch money, buddy.
Luke: Thanks, dad.

Phil: We can't afford a scandal right now. Claire's running for town council.
Claire: That was before, when I thought you could take care of the children. I take my eye off the ball for one minute, and I've got one in a coma, one with a black eye, and one running a crime ring.
Gloria: Well, to be fair, Haley started her crime ring when your eye was still on the ball.

Gloria: In my country, it is tradition, when the men are out seeking vengeance, the women, they stay home, and they drink.
Claire: Sometimes I think you just make this stuff up.
Gloria: Do you want a drink or not?
Claire: Oh, yeah.

Gloria: Okay, we have big news. Claire has decided to run for mayor after all.
Claire: Thank you, but it's town council.
Gloria: It doesn't matter. You're not going to win anyways. But she's going to be okay. You see? I help the people. Why don't you two let me help you?
Manny: Well, I can't speak for Jay, but I guess I'm just too proud to ask for help.
Jay: Are you serious? She cuts your steak.

Claire: Oh, don't look. There's that jerk Duane Bailey.
Phil: Oh, yuck.
Claire: I should say something to him, shouldn't I?
Phil: I gotta be honest, I was just working off your tone. Who's Duane Bailey, and why do we hate him?

Duane: Hey! Duane Bailey, seeking reelection, town council. Hope that I can count on your vote.
Phil: Well, you just got it.
Claire: No. You don't remember meeting me, do you? Claire Dunphy. Last month's town council meeting?
Duane: Oh, yes I do! Yes, I remember you. [booming voice] "I want a stop sign." Just having fun. Here, have a pen.
Claire: "Duane Bailey. Councilman. Citizen. Puggle breeder." I love them because they're a different mix of breeds, just like America.
Phil: I like what he's saying, Claire.
Claire: He isn't saying anything.

Claire: We need a stop sign at our intersection.
Duane: Everyone says that, but pretty soon, we're stopping at every single corner. Why don't you go ask Canada how that's working out?
Phil: He nailed it.