Cameron: Oh, my God. This guy brought his kids, Mitchell.
Mitchell: What, to this movie? Isn't it supposed to be super violent?
Cameron: I'm sorry. I don't mean to overstep, but I don't know that this movie is really appropriate for children. I'm terrified to see it. That's why we're here during the day.
Guy: It's okay. We're good.
Cameron: Okay. I tried.
Mitchell: Yeah. All you can do.
Cameron: You know, I've--I've read this book, and I know what's gonna happen, and it's very disturbing. I really think you might be inviting some pretty serious nightmares here.

Mitchell: [aside to camera] It was "The Muppet Movie". We were in the wrong theater.
[flashback:]
Cameron: Enjoy the show. I was always a fan of The Muppets, especially the two guys in the theater who wouldn't shut up.
Guy: Just leave.

Gloria: [aside to camera] Jay never wants me to help him with his business, and now suddenly, Manny doesn't want to listen to me either. It's very frustrating. I have all the answers.

Jay: Yeah, let's talk more specific. What exactly do you like and what don't you like?
Josh: All right, fair enough. Uh... I don't like this. This makes me sad. I do like getting my mind blown.
Jay: I love your enthusiasm. Uh, before I go off in the wrong direction, how about an example?
Josh: All right, check this out. So, like, three weeks ago, I'm down in South Beach. I walk into this thumpin' club. Bartender says, "What do you wanna drink?" I say, "Wow me." He mixes this thing together. I take one sip, and I'm like, "hello, nurse!" And she's like, "you've been unconscious for two days." That's what I want in a closet.
Jay: I don't think I need to hear any more.

Haley: Whatcha doing there? Homework?
Alex: What do you want?
Haley: I need to borrow some money. It's really important.
Alex: How much?
Haley: $900.
Alex: What?!
Haley: Come on. If you were in trouble, I would do anything for you. We're not just sisters. We're best friends.
Alex: Look, I would if I could, but I don't have any money. And since we're talking, I never told anyone this before, and it- [Haley walks away]

Claire: Wipe that smug smile off his stupid face.
Phil: His face is stupid.
Claire: Oh! I can't believe ridiculous people like him end up in office.
Phil: Well, why don't you run? You're smart, you care about the community, and you're easy on the eyes when you put a little effort into it.
Claire: Are you serious?
Phil: Yeah, you know, maybe change out of the sweaty gym clothes every once in while.

Cameron: Do you want a fry?
Mitchell: No, I can't eat. We should've stayed and seen "The Muppets." I can't even look at ketchup without seeing blood.

Mitchell: We just got rear-ended.
Cameron: Oh, pull off to the side street. Pull off to the side street.
Mitchell: Are you okay?
Cameron: Oh, I think I cut the roof of my mouth on the straw. Oh, my God. Mm.
Mitchell: So yes.

Duane: Duane Bailey. Running for reelection.
Claire: You're joking. I just saw you in the parking lot two hours ago.
Duane: Oh, hey. It's you! ... Oh, it's you.

Duane: Do you know why, of all the dogs in the world, I breed puggles?
Claire: Why do I feel like this is a rhetorical question, and you're about to l-
Duane: It's because they're lovable, yes, but they're also tenacious hunters who won't quit until the kill is complete.
Claire: Really? 'Cause I feel like they just yip a lot.
Duane: Look, lady, you're going down. I've won six straight elections. I don't plan on losing to some bored housewife, so don't quit your lack of a day job.