Gloria: So what happened? You were running for office, and now you're not?
Claire: Mm. I don't really want to talk about that.
Gloria: Ay, no. I am sick and tired of no one needing my help. You are going to tell me what is wrong, and I'm gonna give you the right answer, because I have all of them. So why are you not running for office?
Claire: Because my family needs me too much. You saw what just happened.
Gloria: Why are you not running for office?
Claire: That doesn't work on me.
Gloria: Why are you not running for office?!
Claire: Because I don't want to lose!

Claire: This guy has won six elections. I am way out of my league.
Gloria: Look, I don't know anything about this guy, but I know that you're a tough lady, and I come from a family of tough ladies. And I have to say, sometimes you scare me a little bit. And I know that you're strong enough to win and definitely strong enough to be okay if you lose.
Claire: I scare you?
Gloria: Are you kidding me? [booming voice] "I want Thanksgiving at my house!"
Claire: Why does everybody think I talk like that?

Mitchell: Come on. Do we have a plan? It doesn't seem like we have a plan.
Phil: Yeah, I got a plan. Either he gives us the money, or he gets a private performance from England Dan and John Ford Coley.
Mitchell: That's not a good plan. That's not even a good band.

Phil: He's lucky he didn't put up a fight. I would've treated him to a reunion of Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young!

Mitchell: Oh! I got him!
Cameron: Oh, my God. You did!
Mitchell: Don't be so surprised. Help! He's slipping out of his skinny jeans. These are cute. I totally have these.

Haley: Well, I will tell you one thing. I have learned my lesson. Disappointing my family and friends is punishment enough.
Phil: Nice try. You're grounded for two weeks.

Gloria: What about you?
Jay: I don't want to bother you with my business.
Gloria: What else do I do every day?
Jay: I don't know. I'm guessing the gym and one other thing?

Gloria: And look at the shelves over here. They're for the shoes. Those are my favorite ones. So what do you think?
Josh: Wow!
[aside to camera:]
Jay: Same exact closet.

Jay: I remember when I got my fake I.D.
Phil: Me, too. Crazy times.
Jay: Hell, yeah. I tried to enlist in the army, but they saw right through me, so me and a bunch of guys drove across state lines, we got a bunch of booze, we loaded up on fireworks, and I woke up in the morning, I kid you not, in a Mexican strip joint. [laughs] You?
Phil: Uh, I used mine to rent some bowling shoes and kept 'em. Suckers probably spent months trying to track down Dr. Richard Hertz. Think about it.

Jay: If all you're gonna do is criticize, just wait by the car.
Mitchell: Okay, fine. I'll see you in jail. It's gonna be a big adjustment for two of you.