Manny: Happy Valentine's day! It's the one time of the year when the world tries to be as romantic as I am all the time. Good luck, world.

Jay: Gloria, I'll be back in two hours, tops.
Gloria: We decide who does what when you come back.

Gloria: Watch. [Joe cries as Gloria tries to put him in his crib, stops when she moves him back] Watch. [again]
Jay: Okay, I used to have a TV got reception like that. Let me try. Hey, Joe. Joe. Hey buddy. Guy to guy, you're blocking me a little bit. You know that. Oh! Yes, you do. Yes, you do, Joe. Hey, how about a half-hour? What do you say, pal? Huh? Can you do it? Attaboy!
Gloria: I've never been more attracted to you.
Jay: Prove it.
Lily: Are you kissing?
Jay: That's a bit of a mood killer.
Lily: My daddies kiss a lot.
Jay: And flatlined.

Jay: Lily, we're so happy to have you here. I have a big surprise for you! Look! A brand-new, shiny TV remote!
Lily: Looks complicated.
Jay: Just keep hitting all those buttons until something good happens. That's my plan, anyway.

Harlan: I'm Harlan. I'm here to do your baby proofing.
Gloria: Jay, I've been waiting for this appointment for weeks.
Jay: I've waited longer for mine. The human race has survived for a thousand years without these foam bumpers and--and gates everywhere. Hell, I used to drive to the supermarket with Mitchell and Claire on the hood of the car. When did everybody get so overprotective?
Gloria: Maybe when kids started flying off cars.

Gloria: [aside to camera] I know a lot of people think that I'm attracted to Jay because of his money, but they're wrong. I'm attracted to him because he's sexy, and he's never been sexier than today. The suit, the carrying of the boxes, the yelling on the phone. And the drilling. So much drilling.
[cut to:]
Gloria: Time to go, Harlan.

Cameron: I guess I got off easy. She is blunt but effective. Maybe we should have her talk to the gardener.

Jay: Oh, I think I gotta check on him. There was something about some kind of secret admirer getting him to- Gloria: Bring his poems? Yeah, he told me when I was lint-rolling his jacket.
Jay: And you're not worried it's a prank?
Gloria: Of course I worry. I worry about him all the time. But like you said, we can't protect them from everything. So I'm just trying to, like, let go a little bit.
Jay: Let him ride on top of the car?
Gloria: No, that's just crazy.

Phil: First, we have a date with romance. A threesome, if you will.
Claire: Oh.
Phil: From here, we move on to an old-fashioned blimpnic.
Claire: Now is that the one where the man has to face out at the woman-
Phil: It's a picnic on a blimp. Champagne, cheese, and this beautiful city beneath us.
Claire: That actually sounds really romantic.
Phil: After that, we swap our earplugs for some earmuffs, and take a few moonlit turns around the local ice rink.
Claire: Oh.
Phil: From there, it's a quick trip back to the hotel, where-
Claire: I'm spinning.
Phil: Well, I wouldn't start with that, but, uh, we- We can work our way up to it.
Claire: No. I'm feeling really weird.
Phil: Catch that, Clive? Just tell me what you want. Juliana? Claire? One of you needs to answer me.

Phil: Hey, honey, I was just reading about this Wolff-White thing. It's not that serious. You're gonna be fine.
Claire: I know. Who's ready to hit the ice?
Phil: What?
Claire: Come on. Somebody promised me a moonlit skate.
Phil: But didn't the doctor say you needed to take it easy?
Claire: Oh, that's just one of those things they have to say, like, "you can't drink when you're pregnant."