Mitchell: W-What are you doing?
Cameron: What? It's my one and only candy bar for the night. No more Snickers.
Mitchell: If you don't want to hear any more snickers [laughing] then don't pretend that's your last candy bar.
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: Cam doesn't react well to candy.
Cameron: Which is why I never eat it. Except on Halloween. And I admit, in years past, I may have overindulged.
Mitchell: Which leads to a crazy high followed by a tearful, self-loathing crash. It's a Days of Red Vines and Roses.

Woman: Yeah, but wouldn't the child be Jesus?
Jay: [cell phone rings] I got to take this. Tell her what we're doing with this.
Gloria: My husband is going to hell and he's trying to take us with him.

Jay: Gloria, you won't believe this.
Gloria: What?
Jay: That was Claire. Manny never showed up at Luke's party. They think he went to Sophie's.
Gloria: So disappointed in him.
Jay: I know, and I hate to drive over there and drag him to Luke's, but I know better than to try to stop you.
Gloria: I feel bad about embarrassing him, but I was very clear about this.
Jay: Well, maybe next time he'll get the picture. [chuckles]
Gloria: Why did you just chuckle like that?
Jay: Nothing. The- The beard tickles.

Claire: I know you were going to say that I'm being a neurotic, overly protective mom, but I-
Phil: I saw that, too. Something's up with Luke. You think he's in over his head? I should check on him. Should I check on him? I should check on him.
Claire: You are never sexier than when you out-crazy me.

Cameron: Okay, you know what? Maybe I do have an overdeveloped sense of justice.
Mitchell: Thank you.
Cameron: But maybe I wouldn't if my partner took my side every once in a while.
Mitchell: I take your side when I agree with you.
Cameron: That's easy. Anybody can do that. Marriage is about sticking up for your partner, even when you don't agree with him.
Mitchell: Is it?

Claire: Oh, poor Luke. He must be crushed.
Phil: It's not as easy to pack a high-school party as it was in our day, Claire. Apparently, it's no longer cool for kids to invite teachers or parents.

Claire: Then why didn't anybody come to his party?
Haley: Because they're all at Sophie Chambers' party.
Phil: Who?
Haley: A kid in Luke's class. I'm Facebook friends with her brother 'cause he used to sell me wee... gs. Wigs. That's how he pronounces it. He's British. When are you guys gonna talk, huh?

Claire: Luke worked so hard on this party. He made his own costume, did all the decorations. He even thought he hid that bottle of Peppermint Schnapps under his bed.
Haley: This is the kind of thing that could ruin his first senior year. Wait! I can help! Are we forgetting what I do for a living? Huh?
Claire: Uh, we remember. You pretend to be friends with celebrities.
Phil: So you can sell h- Hats?
Haley: I'm a promoter. I can go to Sophie's and talk up Luke's party.

Phil: While you do that, I'm gonna get the party started.
Haley: What? No, no. A dad hanging around will only make that party lamer.
Phil: Um, a dad, maybe. But not Rod Skyhook, yo! The coolest new transfer student ever! Oh, wait. What do cool kids call girls nowadays? Bettys? Shawties?
Haley: Don't worry. There are none in there.

Reuben: I'm glad my hypoglycemia doesn't prevent me from filling up on eye candy.
Alex: Sorry. I can't hear you. I'm listening to a message from the sexiest professor in the physics department. Let's just say he got drunk after a symposium last year and asked me to wheel him home.