Cameron: Hey, handsome.
Brett: Yep, I did it. Pulled the trigger and got a perm.
Mitchell: You sure did.
Brett: Did it myself, right in the kitchen. You don't need to spend a million to look like a million. Uh, you know, my coffee's probably ready, so, bye.
Crispin: Okay, that's like a chia pet, right? Maybe a drag production of "Annie"?
Mitchell: Oh, actually, Lily, I-I think Uncle Crispin's forgetting that Brett has feelings, and we need to try and not hurt them.
Cameron: Yes, and maybe we should remind Uncle Crispin that when you say nice things to people, they say nice things back.

Lily: He's funny.
Cameron: Yes, he is, but he can also be biting.
Lily: He bites people?
Cameron: Well, with his words, not with his teeth like Xander from art class. We need to confirm he got his shot.

Mitchell: Oh, my God. Okay, Crispin. "Too many RSVPs. Have to make cuts to party. Maybe next time." Sad face.
Cameron: Because we refuse to abuse, we get banned from the party of the century?
Lily: Does somebody need a wah-mbulance?
Cameron: No. I do not need a wah-mbulance.

Phil: Hey, Karen Sullivan. Alex's dad. Well, look whose teeth got so nice and straight.

Mitchell: Don't look at that.
Cameron: I won't. Trust me. Please. It's pathetic. Crispin getting all of our friends to text us the details of his great party.
Mitchell: Such torture, huh?
Cameron: Oh, catering by Amelia's. Ow!
Mitchell: Topless valet Parkers.
Cameron: Sting.
Mitchell: Exactly.
Cameron: No, Sting is at the party.

Cameron: Mitchell, I wanna be there.
Mitchell: Cam.
Cameron: No, come on. Who are we kidding? You do, too.
Lily: [o.s.] Today, ladies!
Mitchell: Okay, right there. That. That is why we are making the sacrifice for our daughter.

Cameron: Oh, yeah, you're right. I mean, I'm the last one who should be complaining when, let's face it, Lily's snarkiness is my doing.
Mitchell: Well, what's done is done. Let's just get ready for church.
Cameron: Yeah, I mean, it's just hard to not feel guilty, you know, when it's mostly my fault.
Mitchell: I get it. Just don't beat yourself up. Hey. Pocket square? No pocket square?
Cameron: Really? You're taking zero of the responsibility, or-
Mitchell: Oh. We're you trying to get me to take the blame?
Cameron: Maybe just a little. Uh-huh.
Mitchell: Oh, and deny you the chance to play the martyr? Look, Cam, if you're looking for me to be the bad guy, you're snarking up the wrong tree, okay? You are the one who can't let a single situation pass without making a comment.
Cameron: [noticing Mitchell has a pair of underwear stuck to his trousers] Oh, well, maybe I'll just start today.
Mitchell: I think it'll make you feel better.
Cameron: I think I already do.

Jay: Right to my face, "I don't like you." Nobody doesn't like me. I'm Jay. I'm- I'm salt of the earth. Why are you inhaling my baby?
Claire: Oh, they only smell perfect like this for a little while. Yeah. That's the stuff.
Jay: From day one, I've treated this woman like a queen. I've flown her back and forth, I've- I've tasted her native food. You know what chin tastes like? 'Cause I do. And now to find out-
Claire: What? I'm listening.
Jay: You're rubbing yourself with the baby.
Claire: I have seen you French kiss your dog.
Jay: She was taking a treat out of my mouth. That's a trick.

Claire: I am sure you know what I find funny about this situation.
Jay: What?
Claire: You have an in-law who, no matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, you can't win over.
Jay: What about it?
Claire: Wait. That doesn't sound familiar?
Jay: You're not saying-
Claire: Mm-hmm. Yeah, I am.
Jay: Son of a bitch, I'm Phil.

Cameron: Hey, Pilar, it's awfully cold. Here. Why don't you take my jacket?
Mitchell: Sure, yeah. Make me the rude one. Look, I'm sorry that I pointed out that we're both to blame here, all right? But let's not turn this lovely event into a competition. [to Sonia] Here you go, sweetie.