Jay: What the hell is that? Some kind of gay protest thing?
Mitchell: It's a candle, dad. What are you talking about?
Jay: Your purple panty tail.
Mitchell: Oh, no. Oh, come on.
Jay: We're in church, Mitchell, not some disco.
Mitchell: [to Cameron] You did that on purpose!
Cameron: Oh, this stained glass is beautiful.

Jay: Now listen, before we dunk the kid, you mind if I make a few casual remarks?
Priest: I think you already did.
[aside to camera:]
Jay: Claire asked me a good question: how did Phil win me over? Well, he hasn't yet. But when he stops trying so hard, and he acts like a real person, he comes close. That's what I needed to do with Pilar.

Jay: Wait, wait, wait, wait. Hold on, hold on.
Phil: I got Sonia! I got Sonia!

Sonia: No more. I want my own life, my own bed, my own e-mail account!
Pilar: Yeah, leave your poor old mother alone.
Gloria: Don't worry mamá, you can come and live with us.
Jay: Whoa. Pump the brakes here.
Gloria: What? Do you have a problem with my mother?
Jay: No. Your mother has a problem with me. You think she's helpless. Ask her what's in that box.
Gloria: It's not the family gun?

Phil: He was feeling a little under the weather. I let him stay home.
Alex: Or is he just too embarrassed to leave the house?
Claire: Why would he be embarrassed?
Haley: Because dad tried to fix all our problems, and instead, ruined all our lives.
Alex: Nightmare.
Claire: You girls are so dramatic. Do I need to call you a wah-mbulance?
Lily: Wah-wah, wah-wah.

Cameron: Did you hear that?
Mitchell: Yes! Claire's been driving Lily to dance class all week. That's where she gets it from!
Cameron: We're not bad parents. Claire is. I said I wasn't gonna cry, but, oh, boy, here it comes.

Jay: Pilar, all due respect, no one's buying the martyr act. Not even this guy. You ask me, you've been keeping this one under your thumb 'cause you're afraid of going on with your life. But you're an attractive woman with a lot to offer. This could be an opportunity. Hell, I don't even think I knew what happiness was till I was 60.
Mitchell: And the hits just keep coming.
Jay: Okay. Sonia, we're gonna help you get your own place, have some independence. And if you ever get lonely, you come visit us as much as you want. With- Within reason. And we'll send this one down to visit you.
Manny: What?
Jay: But he's not gonna become a priest 'cause he likes girls. Can't get 'em, but he likes 'em. So everybody think about it.
Manny: But not for too long. There's an A.A. meeting here at 6:00.