Haley: Mom, just so you know, Dylan cannot have mayonnaise.
Claire: That's random. Why are you telling me that?
Haley: 'Cause he's coming to the party.
Claire: Is that absolutely necessary?
Alex: Yes, because she can't go 10 minutes without her boyfriend's tongue in her mouth. It's like he's feeding a baby bird.
Haley: Don't be so jealous. I'm sure you'll meet someone super hot at computer camp.

Claire: [aside to camera] Where's my comb? Oh! Here it is in my incredibly convenient beaded comb sheath that I made at Luke's awesome birthday party. Hole in one, Mrs. Dunphy. Hole in one.

Cameron: I'll pump.
Mitchell: No, no, no. I'll do it. You stay right here. Relax.
Cameron: Oh. I get it. You're worried about people seeing me.
Mitchell: Without question.
Cameron: You know, people are gonna stare. They're not used to seeing one clown in a car.

Manny: We have to stop meeting like this.
Bianca: What?
Manny: We go to school together.
Bianca: Oh, yeah.
Manny: Do you like jokes?
Bianca: Sure.
Manny: Great. So a grasshopper named Gary walks into a bar. Aw. No. You're not supposed to know his name. Let me try another one, okay? Knock, knock.
Bianca: Who's there?
Manny: Interrupting cow.
Bianca: Interrupting cow who?
Manny: Moo. Oh, crap.

Jungle Tanya: All right, let's all give Luke a big hand for being so brave.
Luke: This feels so weird. What does it eat?
Jungle Tanya: Oh, just little boy brains.
Alex: Well, at least Luke's got nothing to worry about.

Dylan: Is there mayo in this?
Haley: No. You're good. So I was thinking that maybe we could go slip away-
Jungle Tanya: So, does anyone wanna pet the iguana?
Dylan: Hells, yeah. Oh, man. I love lizards. What's his name?
Jungle Tanya: Her name is Lizzy.
Dylan: Wow. I totally get that.

Phil: Sorry about today, buddy. We'll try again next year, huh?
Luke: Are you kidding? This was the best birthday ever.
Phil: What?
Luke: I got a cast.
Claire: You like a cast?
Luke: I've always wanted one. After a few weeks, they start to smell.
Gloria: Ew.
Alex: You are so weird, you know that?

Phil: We should blow this out and throw Luke the best birthday party of all time.
Claire: Yes. Yes. And we'll order a whole bunch of pizzas and set up an arts and crafts table.
Phil: A what?
Claire: A crafts table. You know, where everybody gathers around and they make stuff, and then bam! They got their own party favor.
Phil: [snores] Sorry. I fell asleep while you were describing the most boring party ever.

Phil: Thanks again for the karaoke machine. I'll get it back to you right after the party.
Cameron: That'd be great.
Mitchell: [whispers] Please don't. I beg you. Don't bring it back.

Cameron: Hey, Phil. Are, uh, you getting a clown for today?
Phil: Oh, no. Luke's not much of a clown fan.
Cameron: Really?
Phil: Yeah. He never liked 'em.
Cameron: Has he ever seen a good one?
Phil: Has- Has anyone? [chuckles]