Phil: [aside to camera] If you'd asked me before the party if I wanted there to be a chain reaction of disasters that led to Luke breaking his arm, I probably would've said no.
Claire: Probably?
Phil: Prob- Definite- Definitely not. Would not want that. But, one way or another, Luke was the center of attention on his birthday, and the whole family was together just the way it should be.

Manny: [aside to camera] Bianca Douglas called me three times tonight. I'm not gonna lie to you. I'm starting to feel smothered.

Luke: [aside to camera] I really like my cast, but it's starting to itch. Good thing my mom made me this personal scratcher. Oh, that's good stuff.

Haley: [aside to camera] If another woman is messing with your man, you have to get proactive. I don't care how pretty she is or how many stupid reptiles she has. She tries to take what's mine, girlfriend's gonna get stung.
[screams as scorpion falls on to the floor behind her]