Cameron: Hey, you know what, there are six people just in my eyesight that would do anything to break my winning streak. For instance, Martin. He's never forgiven me for making him feel like your father was in love with him.
Mitchell: Okay, it couldn't have been Martin. We saw him, like, three seconds before you thought that you saw Fiz-
Cameron: Actually saw.
Mitchell: Okay. And what's this about my dad?

Cameron: Where were you 20 minutes ago, and can anybody account for your whereabouts?
Senor Kaplan: Not that it's any of your business, but I happened to be in the photo booth taking some solos. I'm gonna use number three for my new passport.
Cameron: I would use number two. There's a twinkle in your eye. But I have a different theory as to where you were 20 minutes ago, and it would have given you exactly enough time to change out of a clown costume into your bowling outf- [screams]
Mitchell: What's wrong?
Cameron: Wha- No. No, no. I just saw I just saw Fi- Fizbo in in in the mirror.
Senor Kaplan: I don't know what's going on with you, Tucker, but in my culture, we like to call it loco en la cabeza.
Cameron: Okay, you know what? Knock it off. You're Canadian.

Alex: "You all seem to forget I'm not alone. I have Albert. You can search the world, and I defy you to find a more devoted, loving... parrot."
Haley: "I used to like talking to Albert, but then we got into a fight over a cracker."

Haley: Really, Manny? My character gets into a fight with a parrot over a cracker? [hushed] I told you that story in confidence.

Alex: And for the record I am nothing like my character. I'm not lonely at all. I have tons of options. I'm actually going to see one right now. And thanks to Haley, I'm no longer ashamed of talking about him.
Gloria: Ooh!
Claire: Who is it?
Alex: No one.
Claire: What's his name?
Alex: Nothing.

Gloria: Don't listen to her, Manny. The ending was beautiful. It's just that some women have a hard time expressing their feelings.
Claire: Oh, this again? Gloria, I'm a very feeling person.
Gloria: Oh, really? From the woman that writes in my birthday cards "Best, Claire."
Claire: How is that not warm? I am wishing you quite literally the best.
Gloria: I am a person in your family. I am not the woman that does your eyebrows.
Claire: Why would I send her a birthday card?

Cameron: You two seem awfully chummy.
Martin: Well, if by "chummy," you mean, "in the throes of an electric sexual relationship," then, yes, you bet your bowling balls we're chummy.
Cameron: [groans] Oh, my gosh. I just put it all together. You're both Fizbo. When I'm with one of you, the other's wearing the costume, creating the perfect alibi. Light-bulb moment!
Martin: Uh, this clown thing again. Look, Tucker, if I wanted to get back at you for, oh, I don't know, say something like setting me up with your straight father-in-law, I certainly wouldn't do it by stealing your stupid Bozo suit.
Cameron: It's Fizbo.
Senor Kaplan: Way to take the high road, sweetie.

Martin: First, I'd hack your e-mails, then I'd create several fake social-media accounts, which I would use to mount the multi-pronged smear campaign to drive a wedge between you and everything you love.
Senor Kaplan: Wow. [chuckles] That's maybe a bit of a red flag.
Martin: And then I'd get several credit cards in your name and then embark on a massive identity-theft scheme that would leave you bankrupt and, with any luck at all, facing criminal charges. That's what I'd do.
Senor Kaplan: Okay. She's a bit of a handful, huh? You know, I was thinking, maybe we should take a beat on meeting your parents this weekend. What do you say? All right.

Mitchell: Wait. His mask. [sniffs] It smells like beer and cheese fires.
Cameron: Oh, Mitchell, that's good investigative work. Yes. You've narrowed it down to everyone in the bowling alley.

Phil: Now, if it's not too much trouble, maybe we could get back on schedule. We don't want to miss Sedaka's opening act Extremely Little Richard.
Frank: Good golly, is he small!
Ray: Change of plans I traded those tickets for seats to "Sexcalibur."
Phil: You what?
Ray: It's a dirty "Medieval Times."
Phil: Are you kidding me?
Frank: It's okay, Phil. I waited 79 years to see Neil Sedaka. I can wait another 79.