Frank: Excuse me. Do you serve crabs here?
Phil: We serve anyone.
Frank: Jokes only get old because they're good, right?
Phil: Nailed it.

Manny: Before we start, thanks for agreeing to do this read through of my latest play, "A Withering Farewell Under a Harvest Moon"
Gloria: So catch-
Manny: Colon, "The Tears of Angels."
Gloria: So catchy!

Manny: Right? It's a story of four women who come together to mourn the loss of the family patriarch.
Gloria: Oh, no. So sad, so very sad.
Claire: Pace yourself, crazy. We haven't even started.
Gloria: A man died, Claire.
Claire: A fake man, and if he was a patriarch, he was a fake old man, and old men die. Surely, this is a thought that has occurred to you from time to time, huh?
Haley: Please don't make me part of this.

Alex: [on the phone] Sorry, this is going to take longer than I expected. Can you wait there?
Ben: Sure. My mom's got her poker girls over, anyway. This one lady, Karen, she gets real handsy with me. [chuckles] She's not un-hot, either. She's like an older, curvy Emily Blunt but Indian.
Alex: Don't try to make me jealous, Ben. One of my regulars at the coffee shop is always asking if I want to do some motorboating. If I didn't get seasick, I'd go.

Cameron: Mitchell! Fizbo!
Mitchell: What?
Cameron: Over there!
Mitchell: Cam. Cam, do you think it's possible with how upset you are about Fizbo that that maybe you're seeing things?
Cameron: Oh. No. Maybe it's another guy with purple hair and a size 23 shoe. Maybe Dennis Rodman bowls here!

Manny: And we begin. "Lights up on the living room of James Pickett. The furnishings and art tell us he was a wealthy man, but his money couldn't buy taste. Enter four women in black returning from a funeral. First, James' widow Chloe Dubois-Pickett"
Gloria: That's me!
Manny: "a beautiful French commoner who married up."
Gloria: Ooh, la la.
Manny: "Next is Bailey, the granddaughter cute as a button and just as smart."
Haley: I like her.
Manny: "Following her is James' sister, Professor Alma Diller, 60s. There's no problem she can't solve except her own loneliness. Finally, James' daughter Kate attractive, intense, sharp-tongued, fleeting moments of warmth."

Claire: "Fleeting moments of warmth"? [scoffs] I get it. This is the story of the four of us through some sort of distorted Manny lens.
Alex: Yeah, just because I'm smart, I end up a spinster? You know what I could be doing right now if I didn't get seasick?

Manny: Okay, calm down. These characters are a compilation of many other women I've known, not you people.
Gloria: Okay, let's start.
Manny: "Kate enters and crosses straight to the credenza. As she pours herself a much-needed glass of wine"
Claire: [drinking wine] Mm. Right. "To be honest, I can't believe the old grump didn't die years ago." Nice. My first line is something horrible about my dead dad. How cold do you think I am?
Manny: Didn't I just say it's not you?
Gloria: [chuckles] Isn't it, though?
Claire: What?
Gloria: "Old people die, get over it"? That was, like, 20 minutes ago.

Gloria: And then I sent you the cutest video of a puppy nursing on a mama lion, and what do you text back? "She's getting him fat so that he tastes better at lunch"?
Claire: Yeah, so what? My crime is I'm hilarious?

Manny: Can we get back to this, please? Kate just said she couldn't believe her father didn't die sooner, then "The Widow Dubois slumps in a chair, emotional."
Gloria: [bad French accent] "Ohh, ma charie, your papa would be devastated to hear you say such insensitive things."
Claire: Really? Are you gonna do the whole accent thing?