Mitchell: Okay, I've called Sal five times, and she still hasn't picked up. I knew this whole "Earth mother" thing was an act.
Cameron: [singsongy] Oh, maybe we should use our happy voices when we're accusing a mommy of abandoning her little baby boy.

Dana: Hey. What are you staring at? It's French cheese. Costs more than you make in a week.
Claire: Okay, you might wanna keep your voice down.
Dana: Claire.
Claire: Yeah.
Dana: That guy over there is checking you out.
Claire: I don't think he is.
Dana: My friend Claire would like to meet you in the bathroom.
Claire: No. I I did not say that.
Dana: Claire, why do you do that to yourself? You are so pretty.

Edward: Hey, Phil, what time is it? What's wrong?
Phil: My watch is go- Edward, what did you do?
Edward: Jillian, what's your, uh, middle initial?
Jillian: "C," for Catherine.
Edward: And, Phil, what age were you when you first kissed a girl?
Phil: Twelve, cousin. Fourteen, non-cousin.
Edward: Let's stick with non-cousin. I think if you go to 14C, the seat right over there you'll wind up with what you're looking for.
Phil: It works on battery, but, oh, my God, I'm excited!

Jay: All right, really let one go this time. Think about how mad this guy makes you. What's his name?
Manny: Gideon.
Jay: Oh, geez. All right, think about what he did to you.
Manny: I'd rather not talk about it.
[flashback:]
Gideon: I don't know why you're smiling. Your fennel's burnt. Whereas I made a perfect butternut squash.
Manny: That's just butter.
Gideon: Oh, yeah. I totally forgot the nut squash! [punches Manny below the belt]
Manny: [groans]

Luke: Oh, my God. Check it out. Rose got your breakup text and wrote back. She mad.
Alex: What? Give me that. "Thanks for the dumbest breakup text ever. Don't call a girl awesome, then break up with her. If I'm so great, why'd you dump me? Get over yourself, you insensitive troll"?
Haley: What is her problem? She can't talk to you like that.
Luke: [chuckles] She's not. She's talking to you.
Alex: I can't believe I ever liked this girl. Our text was compassionate and respectful. There was nothing dumb about it.
Haley: A million percent.
Alex: What are you doing?
Haley: Oh. This crazy bitch just messed with the wrong crazy bitch.

Pepper: Aw. Listen, we discussed it, and we think we should take the kid.
Ronaldo: What should we call him?
Pepper: Not sure, but definitely not Sammy. "Sammy Saltzman" sounds so silly.

Phil: Oh, uh, Jillian is a masseuse and this, of course, is Edward Legrand.
Edward: Pleasure to meet you. Now, if you could just give me my ace of spades back. It's in your pocket.
Claire: This is why you had to race back to your hellish seat for back rubs and card tricks? Do you have any idea what I'm going through up there? She clipped her toenails because her "Oriental girl" didn't do it right.

Phil: Don't be mad at me. You're the one who grabbed that seat. That was a pretty selfish move.
Claire: Yeah, I did grab that seat, because I spent the entire weekend being selfless and you didn't even thank me once.
Phil: Why would I thank you for giving you an awesome weekend?
Claire: Awesome? You spent the whole weekend rehashing stories about Itchy, Rusty and Loveboat. How is that fun for me?
Phil: They were always getting into stuff!
Claire: I came back here for some compassion and all you did was lie to me and blow me off so you could keep having your fun while I suffer up there in first class.
Edward: Oh, my heart goes out to you.
Claire: Oh, stick it, Kreskin. I'm sitting next to a cheese-eating racist.

Jay: Good shot, kid! That'll teach you who to pick on, you punk. Not my boy. He learned how to punch from the best.
Manny: His parents are getting divorced and he made me that dessert as an apology.
Jay: This whole thing was your mother's idea.

Ronaldo: We're not leaving without Felipe.
Cameron: Well, then, you're not leaving.
Pepper: Fine! [to Ronaldo] Did we settle on "Felipe"?