Claire: I'm sorry if I smell like a campfire. I've been in the woods for three days.
Dana: I hate camping. If I'm ever in the woods for three days it means I've been dead for two of them.
Claire: [laughs] Oh! It feels good to laugh for real.
Dana: You look like you need a drink. Hon? Two Chardonnays and a hot towel for my friend.
Stewardess: Right away.
Claire: I love you, beautiful stranger.

Sal: This is little Sammy.
Cameron: Aw! This is as long as you've ever been in our house without a cocktail.
Sal: No, thank you. Just a water, please. [all gasp] Okay, everybody, drop your pearls. I'm still breast-feeding. All the books say do it at least a year.

Cameron: Jotham, drink this.
Jotham: I can't. I'm leaving early to go to a hockey game. Kings versus Blackhawks.
Pepper: Wow. They can call a team that?
Jotham: Black hawks.

Gloria: Oh, baby, go lay down. You're such a brave little boy! [to Jay] He's faking it. He's pretending to be sick so he doesn't have go to his cooking class.
Jay: He has to go. Today's lasagna. I've been starving myself all day for that.
Gloria: He doesn't want to go because a boy there is picking on him.
Jay: Cooking class? You know, we're running out of places to send him where he can be cool.

Luke: This is a new girl Sarah. I'm done with Rose. She crazy.
Haley: Easy, Macklemore. What do you mean, "crazy"?
Alex: I'll tell you what he means. Any time a woman challenges a man in any way, suddenly, she's crazy. So what did she do that was so crazy, Luke, give you her opinion?
Haley: Yeah, or what, did she dare to talk about her feelings?
Luke: The words sound like you get it, but your tone is throwing me.

Luke: I haven't broken up with her.
Both: What?
Luke: It just seems weird to call someone up and give them bad news. She'll find out somehow.
Haley: [scoffs] When did you become a guy? It's gross.
Alex: You need to stand up and face her.
Luke: In person?
Haley: What are we, 30? Send her a text.

Dana: Trashy magazines.
Claire: Oh, you're the best.
Dana: Caramel truffles. I even brought an extra fluffy neck pillow.
Claire: Oh! Oh, this must be what a mother's hug feels like.
Stewardess: Well, it looks like she's taking good care of you.
Claire: Well, she is my best friend.
Dana: [on the phone] Listen to me, Julio. I want the gutters cleaned today, not manana.If everyone thought my people were lazy I would do whatever it took to not seem lazy. Comprende?
Stewardess: Actually, we're gonna take off soon so we're gonna need you to turn off your phone.
Dana: I'm actually not done talking, and two more. Well, if I were you, I'd put down the burrito and get up that ladder. [phone turns off] What are you doing standing there and not getting drinks for me and my good friend Claire?
Claire: Actually, we just met.

Pepper: Oh, guys, guys, I can't let you do the cleanup all by yourselves. Ronaldo will help you.
Ronaldo: Of course. Where is Sal? I need her keys to start loading the gifts in her car.
Pepper: I think she's changing Sammy in our room.
Ronaldo: I hope she's also changing those drapes.

Cameron: Oh, I like the new Sal. Turns out all she needed to bring out her maternal instinct was a little baby.
Mitchell: I don't buy it. No, something's up. You do remember her suggesting we chuck Lily into the ocean.
Cameron: Oh, Mitchell, calm down. Babies change people. Like you used to be a judgmental cynic, and then Lily... Oh, wait.

Ronaldo: You guys, Sal's not back there.
Cameron: Sal!
Ronaldo: The drapes still are.
Mitchell: Well, that's weird. Her car's gone.
Cameron: What?
Pepper: Well, let's not jump to conclusions. In this neighborhood, her car could have been stolen.