Phil: Luke will help Gloria. He's not scared.
Manny: Oh, good. You won't find me in any attic.
Luke: That may be exactly where they find you.
Manny: Mom!

Phil: Let's move! On dasher! On dancer! On prancer and vixen! Hey, that kind of worked out.

Alex: My mom tells me it's "xmas" in a text?
Mitchell: Yeah, well, my mom canceled in a voice mail and told me she had a boyfriend in a newsletter, so join the team.

Haley: Ugh. There's like a hundred things on this list.
Claire: I know but it's just the two of us. It's fun.
Haley: Okay, it's not fake Mother's Day. Ugh! This place is huge! Oh, plus we have to cook dinner! This is impossible.
Claire: Listen to me. Your whole life has led to this moment. All the training, the hours of dedication. There's not a soul alive who can touch you when it comes to shopping, and, baby, you know it. Look at me. Be you.
Haley: Give me that list.
Claire: Never been more proud in my life. Come on.
Haley: No, this way.

Alex: What about this one?
Mitchell: Let's see. No. No. I'm sorry, I know I'm being really O.C.D. right now, but there's something very particular that I'm looking for. It needs to be a Douglas Fir, at least 8 feet tall, and look good from all sides.
Alex: Exactly. No bald spots.
Mitchell: Yes. Thank you. Thank you. The key is symmetry, right?
Alex: [singing to the tune of O, Tannebaum] Oh, symmetry, Oh, symmetry.
Mitchell: How come we never go shopping together?
Alex: Because I hate shopping.
Mitchell: I do, too!

Cameron: Cam and Jay- You know, sort of sounds like a bird. [British accent] "The migratory patterns of the Cam and Jay"...

Cameron: You have no idea.
Jay: I can't even remember my own anniversary, Cam. How would I have remembered having had wine with my son's boyfriend?
Cameron: No, I do this. This is my fault. I- I attach too much meaning to things. I mean, we watched our first football game together five years ago, and I feel the need to save the cork from the bottle of wine you served. I mean, who does that? It's not your only gift, by the way. There's a duplicate bottle in that box right over there which I had engraved with the date and the final score, because I have a problem. I feel too much.

Cameron: I gotta get going to Claire's.
Jay: Cam-
Cameron: No. Fresh wound. Can't talk yet.
Jay: Fine. We'll put a cork in it.
Cameron: Let it scab, Jay. Let it scab.

Phil: Come on. It's Christmas. At our house. It's a long story.
Man: $225.
Phil: I just spent all my cash on groceries.
Man: Fine. But I'm taking the butterball.
Phil: I don't know about that.
Manny: That's it. I'm getting mother's little helper.
Phil: What?
Manny: My mom keeps a stun gun for emergencies.
Phil: This isn't an emergen- [tazer zap] Eeh! Now it is.

Manny: I thought he was going to snatch me.
Phil: A butterball is a turkey.
Manny: What'd he say?
Man: I think he said, "A butterball's a turkey." I was reaching for the turkey.
Manny: Oh.