‘Express Christmas’
Season 3, Episode 10 - Aired December 7, 2011
As the family gather at Jay and Gloria's pool on a warm December day, they realize this is the last time they'll be together until after the holidays.
Quote from Phil
Phil: Here's the money. Joe DiMaggio! Joe DiMaggio. Mint condit- [shakes uncontrollably] Near-mint con- [shakes uncontrollably] Fair condit- [shakes uncontrollably] Garbage.
Quote from Gloria
Luke: Look!
Gloria: Ay, yes, I said "Luke." You told me already. I did it right!
Luke: No! Look!
Gloria: [drives over tree] Never look back. Never!
Quote from Haley
Haley: Hey, mom? Check it.
Claire: The gum! Oh, and you made it pretty. Honey, put it on the table.
Haley: New tradition?
Claire: Oh, yes. Yes.
Gloria: Christmas gum. I take one.
Quote from Jay
Jay: How long you gonna ignore me, Cam?
Cameron: Until the shame cloud clears. You know, I push. I'm a pusher.
Jay: You gotta give yourself a break. See, the thing about me, I'm not as open with feelings as you. You've gotta lower your expectations.
Cameron: Oh, I get it. Baby steps.
Jay: No steps. This is it.
Quote from Claire
Jay: Well, that stuffing looks good. All we need now is a turkey to surround it.
Claire: Well, relax. Phil just texted, and he's "On his wax."
Quote from Gloria
Mitchell: Well, uh, someone ran over it, but that's okay 'cause we are gonna put it back together. Right now.
Gloria: He's gonna need a lot of gum.
Quote from Manny
Claire: Oh, thank God. Here comes Phil and the butterball.
Manny: I have a name.
Quote from Gloria
Claire: It's not even defrosted.
Phil: Fine, Claire. You want 'em defrosted? Merry freaking Christmas.
Gloria: Is that my stun gun?
Quote from Jay
Jay: What the hell happened to the angel?
Gloria: No! The real question here is, how come we still have the dog butler?
Jay: Oh, you found him, huh?
Quote from Mitchell
Mitchell: Okay, I'm- I'm out. I'm done. I am out. No. No turkey, no tree, and now this looks like the lady she used to be before she died and became an angel.