Phil: I think that might be him.
Manny: You don't know the guy we're meeting?
Phil: That's how craigslist works. Total strangers sell you things like signed vintage baseball cards that make your father-in-law respect you for an afternoon.
Manny: I don't like the looks of this guy.
Phil: He looks like everybody else.
Manny: Great. You can just tell that to the police sketch artist.

Gloria: Ay, finally!
Cameron: Look who's wearing her itsy bitsy bikini.
Phil: He can comment because he's gay.
Claire: He was talking about Lily.
Phil: So was I.

Haley: Why isn't Nana coming?
Mitchell: I don't know. Something about her new boyfriend whisking her away on a cruise.
Jay: I just got my gift.

Claire: What boyfriend?
Alex: Carl the cruise ship captain. It was in her holiday newsletter.
Claire: Oh, I can't read that whole thing.
Cameron: Yeah, after two pages about the bird she rescued.
Phil: And by the way, I don't think you can say you rescued something if it dies.
Cameron: It died?
Jay: She wrote a poem about it.
Manny: A little too free with the free verse for my taste, but fine, we'll call it a poem.

Mitchell: I stopped reading after she talked about suing her book club.
Claire: Oh, I stopped reading after "Dear friends, family and others". I'm sorry. Who are "others"?
Gloria: Me.
Jay: No,you're not- Uh, maybe you are.

Luke: I hear kids are getting snatched in Mexico.
Manny: What?
Gloria: Kids get snatched here just as much. It happens all the time. Don't be scared.
Manny: And when you say, "all the time"...?

Phil: Ho, ho, hold up a sec. We're all free today. We've got four hours to shop, cook, wrap, get a tree. By tonight, we could be celebrating Christmas, right?
Mitchell: I guess we could do that.
Phil: Of course we can! Have you ever heard of Express Christmas?
Phil: No. No, you haven't, because I just invented it. Express Christmas, "T.M." It's when you can't have it on Christmas day-
Cameron: I got it.
Phil: And you have to scramble.
Jay: Get on with it! We're wasting time!
Phil: We're wasting time! Everyone in the house! We'll make a plan! Time is of the- oh! Ow! Hot! Hot! It's just too hot!

Gloria: It's Manny's last chance to enjoy a family Christmas.
Manny: Until next year, you mean.
Luke: Well, with all the snatchings-
Manny: Get out of my head, Luke!

Phil: Okay, who's gonna get the tree?
Mitchell: Oh! I will. I will. Because, you know, get the wrong kind, people get upset.
Claire: You get upset.
Mitchell: Fine, I'll get the turkey.

Mitchell: Um, Gloria, it's up in your attic. Would you get it?
Gloria: Ay, no! Not the attic! it's dirty, and there are spiders.
Mitchell: Oh, but it really won't be Christmas without it.
Jay: It won't be Christmas with it. It's December 16th.