Jay: Okay, we need to talk.
Gloria: You bet we need to talk.
Jay: I was out of bounds throwing you out of that game.
Gloria: You bet you were out of bounds throwing me out of that game.
Jay: But it was all my fault, Jay.
Gloria: You bet it was all my fault, Jay, don't Bugs Bunny me.

Phil: I need to know the truth. Alex, real or unreal?
Alex: Real. Yeah, it's a little off, but didn't you say he had to draw it in the back of a truck? And what hitchhiker would be carrying around a drafting pencil if he wasn't some sort of an animator? And who would run out of gas on the side of the road but a starry-eyed dreamer envisioning the happiest place on earth? So... real.

Mitchell: I don't see her anywhere. All right, let's maybe turn around and look over there?
Cameron: Okay, Mitchell, why would the chicken cross the road?
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: We were never finding that chicken. After an unpleasant struggle that I only won after sustaining multiple scratches, I put it in the back seat of my car, drove it to the egg farm, and lobbed it over the fence. They can fly a little.

Mitchell: You got rid of Hennifer.
Cameron: [sighs] Okay, I admit it. I hated that chicken, and I was too ashamed to say anything cause I... I made such a big stink out of you shaming the country out of me. I'm sorry.
Mitchell: I have a confession. I love that chicken.
Cameron: Really?
Mitchell: I-I didn't want to admit it because I like to see myself as a sort of, you know, sophisticated urbanite. [Cam chuckles] But I guess you, you countrified me a little.
Cameron: Well, you citified me.
Mitchell: Aww, that's kind of sweet.
Cameron: It is. You know, now we just need to find an activity that satisfies the straw-chewing country boy in you and the window-shopping cosmopolitan in me.
Mitchell: Drive up the road a piece.

Gloria: Mi amor, can I get some wine? [to Joe] That was Estefan's father. The Green Goblins are trying to recruit him. I need to stop by the ATM and then go to his house. When your daddy's not looking, let's split the beets, okay?
Joe: Fine. I'm ready to eat these, but can we turn off the lights so I don't have to see how gross they are?
Jay: Makes sense.
Gloria: Good idea. [silverware clatters]
Gloria: Bravo, papi!
Jay: That's my guy!
[When the lights come back on, Jay and Gloria see they both have beet-stained teeth]

Cameron: Mitchell, I sang that song my entire childhood. If I can't remember the lyrics, that means I've lost complete touch with my roots. How could I let this happen?
Mitchell: Don't be so hard on yourself.
Cameron: I'm not. This is mostly your doing.
Mitchell: Should have seen that coming.
Cameron: You have shamed the country boy out of me. You roll your eyes when I say "y'all" or "fixin'". You made me take down our clothesline.
Mitchell: I just asked that we put it in the backyard.

Claire: [aside to camera] Alex is up for a very prestigious government job that requires a family interview.
Phil: In case they bring one of those memory zappers, I've Sharpied all the pertinent information on my arm... PIN numbers, et cetera.
Claire: Oh, honey, you don't think that they're really going to...
Phil: Oh, do not worry, little lady. I got you covered. [uncovers right arm, with "Claire = Wife"]

Gloria: He can eat a protein bar in the car. We still have to pick up some players that live far away.
Jay: Gloria, this is not okay.
Gloria: It's legal. They have P.O. boxes in the district. And besides, everybody bends the rules. I swear the goalie from the other team has been my Uber driver.

Claire: I'm sorry. I don't- I don't mean to interrupt, but I just keep replaying my answer to you about my parenting style.
Florence: Oh, don't give it a second thought.
Claire: But when I said I wanted to run away and never come back, that was a joke.
Florence: Yeah, absolutely.
Claire: I know. It's just that you wrote it down like...

Cameron: Another fresh one, courtesy of Princess Layer.
Mitchell: Another new name? She's already been Egg Ryan and Chicky Minaj.