Phil: That's not what this is about. This is about me blindly believing whatever anybody tells me.
Claire: You're being too hard on yourself. You want to see the best in people. It doesn't mean you're gonna believe just anything.
Phil: Really? What about our beloved family heirloom? Claire? Is this real, or am I just a fourth-generation Dunphy dummy?
Claire: Well, uh, Mickey's shoulders are a bit muscular. But, perhaps, Walt customized it for your great-grandfather because he was, uh... He was a longshoreman?
Phil: He sold ladies' bonnets.

Phil: Do you believe that this was drawn by Walt Disney?
Luke: Uh...
Phil: Alex, get in here. Alex!
Claire: No, honey, you know what she's gonna say. Her optometrist won't even let her wear contacts 'cause of all the excessive eye rolling.

Phil: Alex, that's amazing. I knew you could do it.
Alex: You say that about everything.
Phil: Well, I know, but...
Alex: No, thank you. Riding a bike, my first cello concert, freshman chemistry, this job. Every time I was sure I couldn't do something, you convinced me I could. It's nice to have a believer in the house.

Mitchell: Now, will this horse shampoo harm a cat? Because I just... I love the scent.
Cameron: Collar up or down?
Mitchell: Uh, down.

Haley: Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Timeout, timeout! I just saw my reflection! I told you that churro was going to drink up my lipstick.
Dylan: Time in! [bumper car crashes]
Haley: Oh, my God! Dylan, the lipstick went up my nose! It's really jammed up there!
Dylan: Oh, okay. Stay still, Haley. I'll... I'll hit you from the other side.

Nurse: Just want to let you know, the x-ray shows no broken nose.
Dylan: I guess you figured out we were acting kind of childish.
Nurse: Enjoy it while you can, right?
Haley: Yeah. Who says we have to race into being adults? Why wouldn't you want to enjoy a carefree life as long as you could?
Nurse: At least until the baby comes.
Haley: Oh, that's years away. Trust me. [chuckles]
Nurse: Actually, we always run a blood test before anesthesia. You're pregnant.

Gloria: We can be here all night.
[aside to camera:]
Jay: I couldn't. I was late to watch the fight at Shorty's. By the time I got there, the Polish sausage was gonna be down to those puckered end pieces.
[back:]
Gloria: [cellphone buzzes, gets up]
Jay: Listen, I'll meet you halfway. When your mother's not looking, you eat a beet, I eat a beet. Deal? [Joe nods]