Cameron: You know what I have to do.
Mitchell: Relearn the lyrics to...
Cameron: Get a chicken.
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: So, apparently, there's no legal reason why we can't have a chicken in our backyard, and... and I did a real deep dive.

Alex: Mom, can you please stop managing everything?
Phil: You mean like when she cleaned my hat collection out of the front closet in case the interviewer looked in there?
Claire: Honey, you never wore those hats, and the charity was glad to get them.
Phil: Maybe you should have also donated my dream of one day going to the Kentucky Derby or Easter at a black church.

Jay: That's your classic game-day breakfast: your carbs, fiber, your protein. You throw a shot of brandy in there, you'll be ready to play in the Ice Bowl.
Joe: I don't eat beets. Never have, never will.
Jay: When you were two, you ate a dime and a butterfly. Now your body is a temple?

Alex: Anyway, we don't want to take up your whole day. You wouldn't have time to write up your report, which you could title "Alex Dunphy: The Apple that fell very far from the Tree."

Phil: You know what? We Dunphys clean up pretty well when we want to, don't we?
Alex: Are you kidding me? Mom, did you really have to OCD all over her notebook? And you, bragging about still living at home at, like, what, 30? And Dad, well done. There's nothing that cinches a government job like finding out your dad was a Russian spy! Luke was right about all of you. Commandant, Peter Pan, Dreamer.
Luke: Thank you, Alexandra. It's not easy being the smart ones in this family.
Alex: Don't compare us! Your last English paper came back with a Garfield sticker on it that said "Way to go!"
Luke: That's the second highest sticker she gives out!

Mitchell: Howdy, Bobby.
Bobby: Hey.
Mitchell: Smells like rain.
Bobby: What are you doing back so soon? Yeah, I told you you got to buy more than one bag of feed at a time.
Mitchell: No, it's no bother. No, it's nice to get out of the field, away from the chicken... s. [on the way out] Evenin'!
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: The problem is I can't let Cam know that I'm enjoying my new life as a gentleman farmer. I-I've spent our whole relationship trying to tamp down his farm-ness. Ugh, it's all the encouragement he'd need to... to move us to Missouri and go full Old MacDonald. E-I-E-I-no.

Dylan: [answering phone] Oh, hey, Haley. What's up?
Haley: I'm kind of mad at my family, actually. They keep saying I have one of those Peter Pan personalities, so, um, change of plans. We're going to a play, not the circus.
Dylan: Wait, what?
Haley: Dylan, don't make a thing out of this. The elephant's not going to remember you promised to see him next year.

Dylan: Hey, guys.
Luke: Hey, Dylan. Sweet lid. What did it cost you?
Dylan: Zilch. Someone threw a bunch of them in the trash across the street.
Claire: So, uh, Haley's waiting for you downstairs. Off you go.
Phil: Hang on. I used to have a Panama that looked a little like... [Dylan removes one hat, revealing another] And my fedora! You duped me into believing we were donating them to ISSBA, and you were just gonna throw them in the trash. But this doesn't just hurt me, Claire. What about the poor people at the Institute for Sun-Sensitive Bald... Americans?

Mitchell: The security camera. We can... We can find out exactly what happened.
Cameron: Oh, yeah. I... forgot about that. Mitchell, Mitchell, wait, wait. You're not used to the harsh realities of farm life. All these animals, they seem so sweet, but it's a bloodbath at the first sign of weakness, like dinner with our friends when one person gets up from the table.

Dylan: Look. I know you want to prove that we're mature adults, but look at this line. We are the young people here. Whereas...
Haley: At the carnival, we'd be, like, the oldest people there?
Dylan: May I remind you what they said to us last time when they escorted us out of the ball pit?
Haley: "Excuse me, but this attraction isn't really for..."
Dylan: "Adults."
Haley: Aha.
Dylan: M'lady.
Haley: M'Dylan.