Javier: So, Manny, what is your show about? Will there be pirates and tasteful nudity?
Manny: It'll be different from my last one. This is a one-man play in which I portray four characters in a café from different walks of life. When the Internet goes out, they're forced to talk to each other. I call it "Who, What, When, Where, Wi-Fi."
Jay: I'd throw in a pirate.
Manny: I should go get into characters.

Gloria: Manny's not going on that trip. I know what an adventure with you means. Seedy bars, con men, souvenir pens that when you flip them, the lady's clothes come off.
Javier: If my son wants to spend some time with me, he should be able to. Jay... back me up.
Gloria: He's not gonna back you up.
Jay: Gloria, let Manny go on the trip. He'll be fine. He's been 40 since he was 10.
Gloria: [pointing to Javier] And he's been 10 for 40 years. It's not happening.

Jay: Is this true? Do you really want to hang it up?
Margaret: There are some things I wouldn't mind trying.
Jay: Well, then you should do it. I'll manage. It's going to be weird, though. I mean, you're the longest relationship I've ever had.
Margaret: Four husbands, three heart attacks, countless lovers, and you stood by me through it all. I love you, Jay.
Jay: I love you, too, Margaret. It's been a great run.
Margaret: And we'll always have Mitchell.
Alex: What?!
Jay: She's messing with you. [laughter] No, our kid moved away a long time ago. [to Alex] Hey, forget what I told you earlier. It's okay to hire the hot one. You may make a friend for life.

Manny: You know, I really think I have something here. Maybe instead of going on that cruise, I should stay home and work on...
Gloria: You are going on that cruise! It's gonna be good for you. It's so important for your father. He planned a whole adventure!
Javier: We'll drink tequila in Honduras. We'll swim with the dolphins in Bali. But when we travel through the Panama Canal, we'll be required to do some light housekeeping. It's part of the deal.

Alex: No offense, Grandpa, but I need someone who can hit the ground running. Margaret's more someone who would hit a pedestrian and not even realize it.
Jay: Just because she's no Christie Brinkley, who, by the way, is a year older than Margaret, doesn't mean we throw her on the scrap heap.
Alex: Well, she'd have to start tomorrow. Is she okay working on a Saturday?
Jay: That's the advantage of hiring somebody with a few miles on her... By 6:00 a.m., she will have had two soft-boiled eggs and be raring to go.

Mitchell: Cam, come on. I want to go. The store opens in a half-hour, okay? You know I get all my pants for the entire year at this sale, and 32 is a very, very common pant size.
Cameron: It'd be great if we could go a day without you mentioning your 32-inch waist size.

Cameron: No, this is urgent. Señor Kaplan cut my "Wind Beneath My Wings" number at the faculty follies "for time." So I'm turning him in to the IRS for deducting his breakfast burritos.
Mitchell: You're wasting your life with these rivalries. There is a guy at work who always eats my peanut butter, but I just let it go because life's too short and so is he, and maybe the peanut butter is just his creamy substitute for human affection.

Mitchell: What are you doing?
Cameron: Being a gracious host.
Mitchell: To a stranger who wants to die here?
Cameron: Oh, come on, Mitchell, nothing's going to happen. It's just a cry for help.
Mitchell: Okay, if I can't get a pair of slim-cut chinos in French Blue, you're gonna die here.

Mitchell: Marvin? Milton?
Cameron: No, it's Murray. Murray? Murray!
Mitchell: Murray! Oh, my God. Did he actually die?
Cameron: Calm down! I'm... I'm first aid certified! Murray? [screams] Murray!
Mitchell: Who taught you first aid, a nanny on death row?
Cameron: Wake up!
Murray: Damn it. I flew coach all the way from Florida to die in this house, and you ruined it!
Mitchell: Oh, my God. That's insane. You knew you were going to die and you flew coach?

Manny: So, tickets for my show today are at will call. And good news... I was able to get you comps.
Jay: I'm sure it'll cost me in other ways.