‘Dead on A Rival’
Season 11, Episode 12 - Aired January 22, 2020
Mitchell learns a valuable life lesson when Murray (Paul Dooley), a former resident of the house, shows up unexpectedly. Meanwhile, the Dunphy’s old neighbor-turned-tech-titan, Kenneth (Josh Gad), comes to visit with a big surprise for Phil. Then, Manny’s dad, Javier (Benjamin Bratt), shows up with a big opportunity for his son.
Quote from Cameron
Murray: I haven't seen this house since I went off to war.
Cameron: Oh, and you'd like to come in and take a look around a little bit?
Murray: No, nothing like that. I just came here to die.
Mitchell: Uh, excuse me?
Cameron: I'm sorry?
Murray: Oh, it's nothing sad. I'll just be a minute. [groaning] Actually, could I get a juice first?
Cameron: Oh, of course.
Mitchell: Why not?
Cameron: Sure, yeah.
Quote from Phil
Haley: Ooh, what are the cameras for?
Kenneth: Huh? Oh! This is for a documentary about tech visionaries going back to thank the people who inspired them. Elon Musk got his math teacher an island.
Phil: What am I getting? Assuming it's... me.
Kenneth: Well, are the cameras rolling?
Kenneth: What is the one thing that we've always dreamed of doing together?
Phil: Going to college in New York with Felicity?
Kenneth: No. This man right here, he taught me to always dream big and reach for the stars. And as a thank-you, Phil, would you make me the happiest man on Earth and leave Earth with me?
Kenneth: I just got us two tickets on the next Russian flight to the International Space Station!
Phil: This is the most amazing thing that's ever happened to me! Except of... of course... ...winning two non-consecutive Realtor of the Year Awards. I'm... I'm going to cry.
Man: Uh, don't cry yet. I'm so sorry. We had a sound issue. Can we do all that again?
Kenneth: Yeah! Should we take it back to the hug?
Quote from Claire
Phil: I know, but, still, um, Claire has... Claire has some concerns.
Claire: If I'm working for you, do I still get hugs?
Kenneth: No, not in this climate.
Kenneth: Best I can offer is a wo-man shake!
Quote from Mitchell
Mitchell: Herschel, look, we have your old friend Murray Clark!
Herschel: Well, what do you know?
Murray: Hello, Hersch.
Herschel: It's been a lifetime.
Murray: Don't give me that, you smug son of a bitch.
Cameron: What... W-What's happening?
Murray: This bastard told our football coach I was a communist. Got me kicked off the team. I could've gone pro!
Herschel: I only did that 'cause he stole my paper route! I had to deliver ice to support my family.
Mitchell: Deliver ice? How old are you guys?
Herschel: You're a snake!
Murray: You're a rat! He stole my girl when I went to war, and he stayed home with a fake limp.
Herschel: You should be grateful! That woman gave me the clap!
Murray: That was a little gift from me!
Quote from Haley
Kenneth: [crying] What did I get us into? I didn't even want to go. I just wanted to look cool in front of Bezos and Elon and Zuck-Zuck.
Haley: That's the reason why you're going? I'm sorry, but launching white dudes into space hasn't been cool for years.
Kenneth: [whispering] But the cameras. How am I going to get out of this?
Haley: Well, if you're trying to look cool, just throw some splashy event and auction off the space trip to charity.
Kenneth: That could work. What kind of charity?
Haley: Wolves are hot right now.
Kenneth: I love that. I'm going to save the wolves! We're saving them, right?
Quote from Phil
Kenneth: [to Haley] I like the way you think outside the box. I may have a really interesting job opportunity for you.
Claire: Haley, we could be working together!
Kenneth: No, it's really just the one job. And, Phil, while it's not a trip to space, I hope that the Phil Dunphy Center for Wolves will be a fitting honor for the man who changed my life. We'll have a big opening ceremony. You'll meet all the wolves! Now let's go do this again in front of the cameras! [exits]
Phil: I'm terrified of wolves!