‘Dead on A Rival’
Season 11, Episode 12 - Aired January 22, 2020
Mitchell learns a valuable life lesson when Murray (Paul Dooley), a former resident of the house, shows up unexpectedly. Meanwhile, the Dunphy’s old neighbor-turned-tech-titan, Kenneth (Josh Gad), comes to visit with a big surprise for Phil. Then, Manny’s dad, Javier (Benjamin Bratt), shows up with a big opportunity for his son.
Quote from Javier
Javier: I was in a high-stakes poker game with a King-high Flush. So I bet my house.
Gloria: No, no, no, no, no. You're not living in Manny's room.
Javier: I won a year-long cruise around the world. I want you to set sail with me for the entire voyage!
Manny: What?!
Gloria: Absolutely not.
Manny: I should ask my gal at Nordstrom to pull some cruise looks for me.
Javier: Look at him, he's chomping at the bit.
Gloria: Stop setting me up!
Quote from Alex
Margaret: Here you go. A cup of joe, the old-fashioned way.
Alex: Oh, thanks, Margaret. [drinks] Mnh! Oh, God. I-Is there bourbon in this?
Margaret: When you asked for coffee, didn't you give me a "wink-wink"?
Alex: No. It's the morning.
Margaret: Well, that's why there's coffee in it.
Quote from Alex
Alex: Could you just make me a lunch reservation, please?
Margaret: Oh. No problem. [searches rolodex]
Alex: What's that thing?
Margaret: Oh, these are all the great restaurants that Jay used to go to. Oh. Do you like Steak Diane?
[aside to camera:]
Alex: It took her 12 tries to find a place that had a salad.
Quote from Alex
Alex: Uh, w-what are you doing?
Margaret: Oh, I was just getting the couch ready for your afternoon "meeting."
Alex: Why are you saying "meeting" like it's not really a meeting? Just so you know, when I say something, that's exactly what I mean. Also, when you called me from your car, I couldn't really understand you. You may want to fix your Bluetooth.
Margaret: Oh. You noticed? The nerve died a few years ago. But if it bothers you, I'll have it yanked.
Quote from Javier
Javier: Look, I understand your concern, but I want to bond with Manny before it's too late. I think I'm having a mid-life crisis. You probably didn't notice, but I got veneers.
Jay: Oh, that's what that is!
Quote from Cameron
Mitchell: Please don't die in our house.
Murray: What the hell do you care?
Mitchell: For starters, if we ever want to sell this place, we'll have to disclose that someone died here.
Cameron: Why? The last owners didn't.
Mitchell: For the millionth time, I moved that chair.
Quote from Mitchell
Murray: My wife passed years ago. I don't have any other family. I just want to close my eyes and drift off.
Cameron: There are lots of reasons to want to continue to live. I know you miss your missus, but living alone is underrated. For one, you can have whatever you want for dinner. Two, you can move the couch wherever you'd like.
Mitchell: It's been 10 years. Where... Where would the couch look better?
Quote from Mitchell
Mitchell: Yeah. You should go reunite with your old friend. Right now.
Cameron: Okay, you know what? Don't be rude. We'll walk him over. He's just in a hurry to get to a pants sale that started 30 minutes ago.
Murray: What are you, a 32?
Mitchell: I am.
Murray: All the good stuff's already gone.
Quote from Phil
Kenneth: If I could build a fembot with lifelike skin, it would be just like her.
Phil: Did you get a weird vibe from Claire?
Kenneth: No, she seemed super positive and supportive.
Phil: That's exactly what I mean.
Quote from Phil
Phil: [loudly] Oh, while I'm here, I'm gonna see if we have any Tang! [quietly] I don't want to go to space, Claire! I'm terrified! What happens if I break something and we can't breathe? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I can't breathe right now. [loudly] Honey, calm down! The Russians know what they're doing! [quietly] I'm going to die up there!
Claire: Just tell him you don't want to go.
Phil: This is such an amazing gift, it'll crush him. Plus, I'll look like a coward in that documentary.
Claire: You're right, we don't want to see this on film. I'm taping over it already in my mind.
Phil: You've gotta shut this down.
Claire: What?!
Phil: Help me, Claire. You're my only hope.
Claire: Fine. But if I do this, you're not allowed to quote "Star Wars" to me anymore.
Phil: I love you.
Claire: I know.