Claire: [on FaceTime] Dad, did you know it was Mitchell's birthday today?
Jay: Of course. I already called him because I'm a considerate person who really cares about his family.
Manny: I reminded him and dialed the phone.

Claire: [on FaceTime] Happy birthday!
Mitchell: Oh, hey. Is it still my birthday?
Claire: Watch it, or I'll sing to you. Hap-
Mitchell: Okay, okay, I give.

Claire: [on FaceTime] So, have you had a good day?
Mitchell: Yes, thank you. Uh, Lily, she made me her famous chocolate-chip scrambled eggs, which she then watched me eat.
Claire: Ooh. You got my present, didn't you?
Mitchell: No.
Claire: Darn it. They promised it would be there on time.
Mitchell: Oh, well, I can't wait to open it and check the date on the invoice.

Cameron: [on FaceTime] Hey, uh, did you, uh, show her my gift yet?
Mitchell: No.
Cameron: Come on. Show her. Show her.
Mitchell: Okay.
Cameron: [whispers]It's good.
Claire: [Hebrew accent] Wow. Shalom and happy birthday.

Dylan: [answering FaceTime] Oh, hey, Mrs. D.
Phil: Hey, Dylan!
Dylan: Oh, hi, Mr. D!
Claire: Are you with Haley?
Dylan: In what way?
Claire: Physically, romantically, maritally?
Dylan: No. I'm at work. I have a career now. [to bystander] Oh. Hey, uh, can you hold this phone for a second?
Phil: So you have no idea where Haley is right now?
Dylan: You mean spiritually, geographically?
Claire: Can you please stop spinning that sign?
Dylan: No! My boss says if I do, he'll replace me with one of those guys. Go back to where you came from!

Alex: [answering FaceTime] Hi, Mom.
Claire: Do you have Haley's iCloud password?
Alex: Yeah. She gave it to me in an little envelope with her diary key and a list of things she's most afraid of.

Claire: [on FaceTime] Alex, she had to have told you something!
Alex: Okay, you are really rubbing in our lack of closeness. She won't even tell me what conditioner she uses.

Phil: If it helps, I can alert my magician contacts in Vegas. Although they are better at making girls disappear than they are finding 'em.

Cameron: [on FaceTime] Hey, what's up?
Claire: Uh, I-I really need to talk to Mitchell.
Lily: It's my iPad time!
Cameron: Honey, what did I tell you about being selfish? Aunt Claire needs to speak to other Daddy just as soon as she gets me my popcorn.

Jay: [on FaceTime] Hey, Mitch, I'm liking the new hat. It gives you some presence.
Mitchell: What you getting at, Dad?
Jay: Nothing. It's a strong look. You like one of those tough guys in an old Western movie.
Mitchell: Really?
Jay: Yeah.
Mitchell: Oh, I guess it is kind of badass. What if I tilt it a little bit?
Jay: You ruined it.