Claire: [on FaceTime] Luke, what have you done to your hair?
Manny: Claire, when you react like this, you're just giving him what he wants.
Gloria: Ah, Luke said that you knew about it.
Claire: [imitates Gloria's accent] I didn't know about it!

Claire: [on FaceTime] No, no, no. Andy is dating some girl in Utah, and Haley knows that. Even if Haley was attracted to him I would hope she would have the decency and the self-control- Oh, my God! Oh, my God.
She married Andy!
Alex: I knew she was still into him. She said he wasn't her type, but I'm like, "He's a man. He's breathing." Maybe this is why she doesn't talk to me about things.

Jay: [on FaceTime] Claire, trust me. Andy's not gonna run off and elope with Haley. He's a stand-up guy.
Phil: It's a package for Haley.
Claire: Open it.
Phil: Well, that seems like an invasion of her priv-
All: Open it!
Phil: "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Claire: Oh, my God!
Jay: I told you he was a stand-up guy.

Claire: [on FaceTime] Gloria, where did you find Andy?
Gloria: At the park, chasing some children.

Luke: Haley pregnant and me in a Mohawk. This year's Christmas card is gonna rule.

Claire: [on FaceTime] I miss my little girl!
Mitchell: Claire, don't do that.
Cameron: Yes, Claire don't do that! I-I Look. You're not gonna find her in the bottom of that tin. You're not near the bottom of that tin, are you?
Claire: I'm gonna be a grandmother!
Traveler: Ah, there, there, dear.
Cameron: Okay, Claire. We don't know anything for sure yet. So take a deep breath, put the popcorn down and just get your- [Claire dumps the popcorn] Not cool, Grandma!

Mitchell: [on FaceTime] Okay, Claire, listen. Listen. Sometimes life hands you things that you don't want and and they turn out to be exactly what you need. And, oh, my God. I think I just talked myself into liking this hat because I keep seeing myself in it, and I'm like "Who is that handsome Yentl man?"
Claire: Are you serious right now?

Gloria: Jay, dile a Claire que. I am trying to fix it.
Jay: [on FaceTime] Gloria's talking to me. Some of it's in English.

Gloria: [on FaceTime] Claire, Claire! Look, look. I fix Luke's hair!
Claire: Oh, my God, he looks like Shemp!

Haley: Second, I married a Cronut.
Claire: [on FaceTime] What?
Haley: Last night, my friend Andy and I, we went to go get Cronuts and I said that they were so amazing, I wanted to marry one so I posted it on Facebook as a joke. Then I accidentally left my phone in Andy's car which he drove to a friend's wedding in Vegas. And that book is for my crazy boss because he's designing maternity clothes and he wants to get inside the mind of preggos.