Claire: [on Facetime] Dylan, focus!
Dylan: I don't know where she is, but I can sense that she's okay. It's like we share the same brain.
Alex: Who has it now?

Alex: Mom's trying to guess Haley's iCloud password which personally, I think is an invasion of her privacy. [on FaceTime] Ooh. Try "password."
Claire: I'm kind of glad that didn't work.
Phil: Wait, I think I remember telling her to use something that people wouldn't know about her - like her favorite literary character.
Claire: I'm in!
Alex: What? What was it?
Claire: Snoopy.
Alex: Wow. And that could be your new nickname.

Phil: [answering FaceTime] I know we're not there yet, but I've been researching annulments.
Claire: Oh, we are there because you let our child get a Mohawk!
Phil: Sweet. We, uh, had a bet.
Claire: You let him get a Mohawk because he won a bet?
Phil: No, he lost a bet.
Claire: What? Phil!
Phil: You'd rather I had a Mohawk? I have a career.

Jay: [on FaceTime] What's going on? Did you find her?
Claire: No, Dad! No. I haven't found her. And you know what? This is all your fault because you two introduced this horny stranger into our lives.
Jay: Let me get this straight. You're mad because your daughter got knocked up and ran off with some goofy guy to get married behind your back. I can't even imagine what that must feel like.
Claire: Really? Now?
Jay: I can't think of a better time.
Gloria: Jay, stop kicking her while she's down pointing out her mistakes at the same time the whole universe is telling her that she's a terrible mother!

Claire: [on FaceTime] Dad, I'm really sorry that I eloped. You were a great dad and you should have been there to walk me down the aisle. And- And I've never apologized for taking that away from you.
Jay: Well, we got to do that thing in Hawaii, and that was nice.
Claire: Yeah. Guess what goes around comes around, huh?
Jay: Look. You're in the eye of the tornado right now and you can't see anything but your life swirling around you. But Andy's a good guy, just like Phil and years from now you might look back on this and think "The best thing that could've happened was that dipstick knocking up my daughter."
Claire: [laughs]
Phil: Aw. That's so sweet.
Jay: [groans] Was he listening?
Claire: Yeah
Phil: This dipstick loves you too, Jay!
Jay: I take it all back!

Alex: [answering FaceTime] Hi, Mom.
Claire: Hi, honey. Where are you?
Alex: I'm in the kitchen.
Phil: Alex? When'd you get home?
Alex: I've been here all day.
Phil: Oh. You should get outside, get some fresh air. It's a beautiful morning.
Alex: It's noon, and it's freezing out.

Haley: [on recorded video] Oh, my God. What are you doing? Are you filming me?
Claire: Yes! I want you to see how crazy you are acting.
Haley: Me? I come to talk to you about something important and then you start chasing me around with a camera!
Claire: I asked you to clean up the kitchen nine hours ago when I left for work. I come back, and it's the exact same mess, plus pickles and peanut butter!
Haley: I was running around doing stuff for my crazy boss all day, and then I got hungry and then the smell from the garbage almost made me throw up!
Claire: That's exactly how I feel!
Haley: Leave me alone! I have a lot on my plate!
Claire: Yes. Yes, I can see that, honey. You left it in the sink.

Jay: [answering FaceTime] Hello?
Claire: Hey, Dad. Dad, take the phone away from your ear.
Jay: Why would I do this? Now I can't hear you.
Claire: Put it in front of your face.
Jay: Oh! How'd you get in my phone? Does this mean when we talked the other day that you knew I was in the can?
Claire: I do now.

Jay: [on FaceTime] How was the presentation?
Claire: Actually, it went really well. The client loves the whole redesign. They just want us to swap out the handles.
Jay: Damn it!
Claire: I know. Only knobs want knobs.
Jay: No, Joe bit me. He's teething. I don't think it's a coincidence that Andy took the weekend off. Ow! Kid's like a beaver. I'm afraid to wear short pants.

Gloria: [on FaceTime] So you're okay with me cutting Luke's hair, right?
Luke: Hey, Mom.
Claire: Well, hello. It's nice to know you're not dead in an alley somewhere.
Luke: Right back at ya.