Mitchell: We should probably, uh, hit the road soon. High school graduation's in an hour.
Cameron: [groans] It's so humiliating being the Vice Principal at these things. It's just a ceremonial position where you have to sit behind Principal Brown, politely clapping while he gets to set the course of history.

Mitchell: Well, it could be fun with my dad giving the commencement address, though. I got a peek at his note cards, and I don't want to give anything away, but the young kid who boarded the bus with the hair full of Brylcreem and a cardboard suitcase full of dreams, it was him.

Mitchell: Your glee at another man's misfortune should trouble me, but there's also something sort of sexy about it.
Cameron: Well, power is an aphrodisiac.
Mitchell: Oh. Maybe later you could be the principal and I could be the student who's a few credits short. A bad, bad boy who needs to be taught right from wrong. 'Cause I grew up in a broken home, where social workers and constant fights about money were just... Okay, well, now I'm just sad.

Jay: [clears throat] Can we switch seats? I'm right under a vent. This is not good for my instrument.
Gloria: Oh, so nice that you're taking this speech so seriously. When you did Mitch and Cam's wedding toast, you had your mouth full of cashews.

Phil: [aside to camera] As a parent, you don't get a lot of good, clean, guilt-free victories.
Claire: That's why it's hard not to feel pretty damn good about ourselves today.
Phil: Because this afternoon, we are going to watch our daughter Alex graduate.
Claire: With honors!
Phil: From the world-renowned Caltech.
Both: ♪ When the Caltech Beavers face you at sports ♪ ♪ Prepare to relinquish the ba-a-all ♪
Claire: Their best minds weren't focused on the fight song.

Claire: Oh, my God. It's Skip Woosnam. Have you seen him since he fired you?
Phil: Once, at a listing. I tried to pretend I was a 3D cutout of myself to avoid talking to him.

Phil: But you know what? Today I want to talk to him. I think I'll let ol' Skip know I have a daughter graduating from Caltech.
Claire: No, honey, we are not the kind of parents who make ourselves look good by bragging about our kids.
Phil: Then why did we even have them, Claire? Are we really not gonna crow about it when one of our kids finally does something we can be proud of? I love you both very much.
Luke: I'm comfortable being the hot one.

Haley: The twins started kicking the second I picked up booze. [laughs] They're my kids, right?

Cameron: Are you all planning some sort of protest? Well, that ain't happening on my watch. Now go take your seats!
Jay: "Owl Hitler"?! What the hell is this picture? I never strangled an owl!

Haley: Is it too much for Dylan to let me know where he is? My water could literally break any minute.
Luke: Am I okay sitting here, or am I in a SeaWorld splash zone situation?