Phil: Claire, your old high school nemesis Ashley Walls, did she have a daughter?
Claire: Uh, I don't think so. Why?
Phil: Well, that woman over there looks just like Ashley, but it can't be. She looks half your... beauty.

Claire: [aside to camera] Ashley Walls. She outdid me at everything. Homecoming Queen, Field Hockey Captain, and the summer before we went away to college, she beat me out for an internship at Pritchett's closets.

Ashley: Hi. Ashley Walls-Carnegie.
Phil: Phillip Humphrey Dunphy.

Jay: Hey, Phil. You know how you're my go-to guy on stuff?
Phil: Huh. I suppose against all odds, we've become best friends.
Jay: Sure. So, apparently, some of the students are angry that I'm giving the commencement address.
Phil: Why?
Jay: Who knows why their sick minds do anything? Gotta say though, it feels good to be hating hippies again. Anyway, would you mind giving this place a sweep? See if you notice something suspicious.
Jay: Consider it done.

Phil: Hey. What do you got there? You kids got something under those robes you want to show me?

Gloria: Manny, you passed the cuts, so why aren't you in a better mood?
Manny: [sighs] You bribed my dean to get me past the cut, didn't you?
Gloria: I would never do something like that.
Manny: Oh, bravo! If Lisa Wagner pulled out that performance, maybe she wouldn't be driving back to her parents' house with a trunk full of handmade puppets and a suddenly very uncertain future.
Gloria: I didn't bribe anyone. I don't know why you're talking such crazy things.
Manny: Because I saw you bribe Sensei Ron.
Joe: Wait. You bribed Sensei Ron?! So this is just a lie?! Are there others? Who the hell even am I?!

Claire: Wow, it's wild to think where all these kids are gonna end up, right? I mean, there's so many great schools. In fact, our... Oh. Is something wrong?
Ashley: [voice breaking] Our daughter joined ISIS.
Claire: Oh, God!
Ashley: [sobs] The government said she's not an American anymore. There's a van always parked in front of our house.
Claire: Oh, God. I'm so sorry.
Phil: [high-pitched] Did Claire tell you our daughter's a genius?

Cameron: And so, graduates, look to your left and to your right. It's a simple key chain with a tiny cowboy hat charm on it. If you see it, please pass it forward.

Cameron: All right, and now on to our commencement speaker. He is a pillar of the community, an entrepreneur and closeteer, Mr. Jay Pritchett. [applause]
Jay: [clears throat] Commencement. "C" for "courage," "O" for "opportunity," the first "M"... [students hooting]
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: Disaster had struck. But did I panic? No. No one chooses to be a wartime principal. But we're the ones history remembers.

Cameron: All right! Wow! That is a lot of deceased for one year. We should probably have the police check into that.