Luke: New security system?
Gloria: You can see the backyard, the front door, the garage, everywhere.
Manny: Yeah, can't take any chances since mom gave birth to the Hope diamond over there.

Claire: [aside to camera] My mom was pretty self-involved, and my dad traveled a lot for work. So, yeah, I did wonder if... you know. And not that I could blame him. My friend Alison's mom greeted her every day after school with a big hug and a giant smile, and I always thought, "Yeah. Wouldn't mind a piece of that."

Jay: So, are we doing this?
Rita: I'll bring it to your room this afternoon.
[aside to camera:]
Jay: We have a little tradition at ClosetCon for rookies, which Claire is this year. We take a skeleton. We hide it in their closet. They open the door and scream, and we all have a good laugh. Can't take full credit for the idea. We stole it from Cabinetcon.

Haley: Ugh. I'm starving. What are we gonna do about dinner?
Alex: I checked with Dad, and I ordered a couple pizzas from Theo's.
Haley: I knew it! You're stalking my pizza guy! He is not into you, okay? Does he call you "brown eyes" and give you extra mozzarella sticks?
Gloria: Okay, that's it, you two! You cannot fight over men like it's jewelry or shoes. If you're both interested, no one makes a move. Sisters before misters!

Cameron: Mitchell. Mitchell. Okay. W- What's this?
Mitchell: This is me ready to slop, bale, or milk something.
Cameron: You don't need to do that.
Mitchell: No, I- Cam, I-I know. I know I gave you hell for being who you really are, and I want to make that up to you.
Cameron: Yeah, but you know what? Putting on my sister's Sunday overalls is gesture enough. What's this?
Mitchell: Oh, it's my chewing straw.
Cameron: It's not straw.
Mitchell: Oh, it's just show. For show.

Luke: Here's what we've got to work with.
Phil: Nicely done. I've got Florida on the line. Dad, I'm flying you in. You're the model expert.
Frank: [over video chat] What are we looking at, son? Holy Moses. More like Apollo 1,300 pieces! In space, I guess no one can hear you be hilarious.

Mitchell: All right, you know what? You- You deal with your grandmother however you want. Lily and I will just go get a hotel room.
Cameron: No, you can't.
Mitchell: Fine. Motel, silo, whatever you got around here.

Gloria: Okay, it's really in there good.
Alex: Get her off of me. I'm getting dumb through osmosis.
Haley: I don't have osmosis.

Grams: Well, you're a cute little Chinese thing.
Cameron: Actually, Gram, she's, uh, from Vietnam, and her name's Lily.
Lily: Dad, how long do we have to stay down here?
Grams: "Dad"?
Cameron: Okay, well, I guess there's no way around this.
Mitchell: Ac- [southern Accent] Actually, ma'am she's my kin.
Grams: So, you got a Chinese wife, Bud?
Mitchell: No, I-I-I went to Vietnam, and I did myself some adopting, and now I'm raising her all by my lonesome.
Grams: Well, I never thought I'd live long enough to see that.
Barb: None of us did.
Grams: But I guess there's nothing more important than family, mo matter how they come.
Mitchell: Well, that is mighty open-minded of you. Some folks 'round these parts don't share that progressive - I say progressive - sensibility.
Grams: To each his own. But I do wish I had another little one like that to spoil.

Cameron: What if I told you you did have a great-grandbaby?
Grams: What?
Barb: Cam.
Cameron: It's okay, mama. What if I told you I was in love, and that I've never been happier in my entire life, and that I'm about to get married?
Grams: I can't think of anything better.
Cameron: And what if I told you the love of my life is this man standing right here?
Grams: Then I'd know why God sent us this tornado.