Cameron: No, no, sweetie, we're just having a conversation about how your daddy can be so stuck-up.
Mitchell: Cam, that's really mature. Use our daughter to get your little digs in. I would never do that, sweetie.
Cameron: You don't think I notice how condescending you are when we come here? You just set on the porch. You roll your eyes. You don't participate in anything. And, yeah, I said "set." But that's how we talk here. I'm from this place. I'm proud of this place. And it hurts me that the man I love just thinks it's some big joke. Come on, sweetie.
Lily: [Southern accent] Lord o' mercy.

Phil: We're gonna have to improvise. Gloria, call the steakhouse and cancel. Um Manny, find some glue. Luke, let's get these parts into the garage. I know this seems impossible, but we can do this!
Gloria: [on the phone] Hello. Houston's? We have a situation.

Cameron: [aside to camera] We never told Gram about the gay. You know, after they reach a certain age, you worry that it could be the thing that sends them over the edge, and she's been on the edge for a long time. We're actually on deathbed number two.

Cameron: No, that alarm means there's a tornado coming right now.
Mitchell: Oh, God. Well, where's Lily? I hope she's not still out in the field.
Cameron: [shouting] Lil-y-y-y-y!
Mitchell: You can't just call her like a pig!
Cameron: Lil-y-y-y-y-y!
Mitchell: Okay, this is just a farm thing, not, like, a mall thing.
Cameron: What's that, city voice?

Cameron: [aside to camera] After the initial shock, Gram softened a bit. She even agreed to attend the wedding.
Mitchell: Standing outside with a sign.
Cameron: Baby steps, Mitchell. Baby steps.

Cameron: Boy, it starting to get nippy, huh? You guys want to walk down to the duck pond?
Barb: Um, that sounds lovely. I'll get the gun.
Lily: Are y'all coming?
Mitchell: "Y'all"? We don't say "y'all"!
Cameron: Yeah, we do.
Mitchell: No, well, yeah, we say it here, but not normally.
Cameron: Well, did you ever think this is how I really talk and that I talk different-like when I'm not here?
Lily: Y'all fighting?

Barb: Want to ring the dinner bell, "little bomber"?
Mitchell: Oh, that's actually really quaint. Is it one of those little triangle thi-
Cameron: [shouting] S-o-o-o-ooey! Hoo! [pigs squeal]
Barb: Loudest call in the tri-county area.

Jay: How the hell did they lose our reservation?
Claire: Dad, you were married to mom for thirty years, what's another couple nights on a couch.
Jay: I'm gonna call for the cot. I'm gonna try to squeeze them on that $9.95 Wi-Fi fee. They're selling air.

Cameron: You know, I forgot how much work there was to be done around here. I've been mendin' fence all morning.
Mitchell: Been mendin', have you?
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: Missouri. Misery. huh.

Phil: Hey, "manimal." How was picture day?
Manny: You know what's super-helpful? When the guy in line behind you calls you "Mount Sweatmore."
Luke: I was trying to relax you.
Phil: Hey. It was right in front of you, "Brad Pitt-stains. "
Luke: Come on, Luke.
Phil: It's okay.