Gloria: Okay, that's it! I cannot listen to this anymore! I'm going to cut you two out of there.
Haley: No! Gloria, no! My hair!
Gloria: Too late!
Alex: Okay, okay! Just cut mine.
Haley: Yeah, cut hers! Wait. Why?
Alex: No one cares what I look like, anyway.
Haley: You don't really think that.
Alex: Yeah, well, kind of.
Haley: You didn't see the way that Chuck was looking at you?
Alex: Wait, you actually think I'm a threat?
Haley: I'm not gonna say that out loud.
Alex: Aww, that's so sweet. Well, if I ever had a boyfriend, I wouldn't trust him with you for five seconds.

Gloria: There you go. That's it. That was easy.
Alex: Why did you wait an hour to do this?
Gloria: Why did you wait fifteen years to do that? At least this way, nothing bad happened to anyone's pretty hair. [Luke runs up behind Gloria and pulls a hair] Ay!

Jay: How was the rest of your night?
Claire: Let's see. After you bailed on me, Mark from Closetopia yakked my ear off and then told me I look like Heidi Klum, which is such an obvious come-on.
Jay: Mark's gay.
Claire: Well, in that case, my night stank.

Claire: "Get rid of Phil", what does that even mean?
Jay: It doesn't mean anything. You had just started dating. You know I was never hot on the guy. I told Rita to offer him a sales job in Texas.
Claire: I remember that, but that wasn't when we were dating. We were engaged.
Jay: Doesn't matter. Phil didn't take the job anyway. If anything, my little test proved how much he loved you. You're welcome.

Jay: I'm really sorry, but before you go storming out of here, you want to talk about a certain phone call I got from Immigration a few years ago? I had just started dating Gloria. They were acting on an anonymous tip.
Claire: It's very late. We have a very big day tomorrow.
Jay: You know, Claire, I've really come to like Phil.
Claire: I know. And the irony is, he would really love that skeleton gag.
Jay: Try it out on him. You got to take care of that thing till next year.

Jay: I did make out with Rita once about 15 years ago. Good night.
Claire: Gah.

Phil: This robe feels like butter. Yeah, I missed this, honey. That yoga's really paying off. Hey, whoa. Slow down, baby. You can't gun a cold engine. Argh! But if you're- Then who's-
Claire: When did you know?
Phil: When it didn't complain about my socks.
Claire: You checked the closet, didn't you?
Phil: Every night before bed.
Claire: I really don't understand it. It's so silly. I mean, if somebody really wanted to kill you, obviously they'd just hide under the bed. Good night. [turns light off]
Phil: Mm. Damn it. [turns light on]

Frank: Be a hero. Bring her home.
Jeanine: I guess I'll call a cab.
Frank: So long, Jeanine.