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Season 8, Episode 3 -  Aired October 5, 2016

Claire goes head-to-head with Jay and Gloria when Luke decides to run against Manny for senior class president. After Haley starts her own PR business, Phil decides to introduce her to his marketing guru, Merv Schechter (guest star Martin Short), who has been plastering Phil's face across an array of promotional goods for the last decade. Meanwhile, Mitchell is upset when Cameron unilaterally decides to let a star football player stay with them so he can remain on the team.

Quote from Haley

Haley: All right, girls. So, I have a couple notes about last night. Arizona, I was looking at your selfies. Are your parents mallards?
Arizona: What?
Haley: What's with all the duckface? You look like you're at a bachelorette party in Tampa.


Quote from Manny

Jay: Luke's running for President? I mean, I love him, but...
Gloria: Jay is right. Luke is a dummy.
Jay: Never said that.
Manny: He wants a fight, he's got one. I'm going to hit my step-nephew with so many stinging rejoinders that he'll be crying step-uncle.
Jay: Yes! Dynamic wordplay! High-school kids love that!

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Manny has been working all his life to be president, and now Luke just salsas in and tries to take it away from him. It's not fair.
Claire: Look, this means a lot to Luke, too. It's given him a whole new sense of purpose.
Jay: I've heard enough, and I've made my decision. Manny will be president this term, and we'll run Luke next year.
Luke: I'm graduating.
Gloria: That's the spirit!

Quote from Ronaldo

Mitchell: Oh, I was thinking about what you said yesterday, and you were right. We should be able to make our own decisions, you know?
Ronaldo: Ay, all I can say is, thank you again. Dane Edna, say hi to your foster daddies.
Cameron: Ronaldo, what's going on?
Mitchell: Oh, we're taking care of Dane Edna while Ronaldo takes Pepper to Asia for a medical procedure.
Cameron: Is everything okay?
Ronaldo: Oh, don't worry. Between us, he's getting a monkey chin in Laos.

Quote from Ronaldo

Mitchell: Oh. Oh, and I'm sorry. I-I didn't ask you about this, but it's really important to me. And you said you'd support any decision I made.
Cameron: I'm not sure what you're doing, because you're being so subtle, but if you think a giant, slobbery dog is what this household needs, then color me gung ho.
Ronaldo: Here are her medicines. The ones wrapped in foil don't go in the mouth.
Mitchell: Okay.
Lily: [dog barks, takes food away from Lily] Ah.
Ronaldo: Ah, yeah. I'm so sorry. We've trained her to take carbs away from us.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Can you believe this young man has a grandkid in college?
Haley: Mm.
Merv Schechter: It's all about lifestyle. Really, I walk five miles a day, and I've had a tremendous amount of plastic surgery. Oh! I had a brainstorm on that property of yours that you're trying to unload. You know, where the people- [cut throat jesture] Ckkk!
Phil: Yeah.
Merv Schechter: You lean into it.
Phil: Hmm?
Merv Schechter: You- You call it "Massacre Manor," "Downton Stabby," "Charles Mansion." I mean, like, I-I got a million of them. Actually, I probably- I have three more.
Phil: See? A master.

Quote from Luke

Manny: What's with the suit?
Luke: Me? Why are you dressed like Nicki Minaj?
Manny: My mom and Jay said it made me more relatable. I feel like an idiot.
Luke: Yeah. Me too. My mom forced me to wear this so I'd be more like you.
Manny: Yeah, because I'd wear a brown belt with black shoes?
Luke: You know what we should do? Throw out our speeches and speak from the heart.
Manny: That's a great idea. You forgot your speech, didn't you?
Luke: I plead the second.

Quote from Luke

Manny: The point is, we are two individuals with our own unique personalties and ideas.
Luke: What he said.
[aside to camera:]
Luke: I won.
Manny: It was the lowest voter turnout in school history. They hated the both of us.
Luke: But you more.

Quote from Luke

Merv Schechter: So, Phil, what can I do you for?
Phil: Well, oh wise one [chuckles], uh, Luke here is President of the Student Council, but he needs some professional help.
Luke: I have a likability issue.
Merv Schechter: Yeah, I saw that when you came in. What we need to do is promote you, okay? I see a pin, "I like Luke." I see a bracelet, "Luke is no fluke." I see a stadium cushion, "Luke has your back... side."
Phil: [laughing] How do you do that?
Luke: How about phone cases?
Merv Schechter: Phone cases?
Phil: I am so sorry.
Merv Schechter: [exhales heavily] Sweetheart, this is why people don't like you.

Quote from Manny

Manny: Hey, Jay, do you need to julienne any vegetables?
Jay: What?
Manny: If so, you can use the knife your grandson jammed in my back.
Jay: Well, that was worth the journey.

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