Haley: All right, girls. So, I have a couple notes about last night. Arizona, I was looking at your selfies. Are your parents mallards?
Arizona: What?
Haley: What's with all the duckface? You look like you're at a bachelorette party in Tampa.

Jay: Luke's running for President? I mean, I love him, but...
Gloria: Jay is right. Luke is a dummy.
Jay: Never said that.
Manny: He wants a fight, he's got one. I'm going to hit my step-nephew with so many stinging rejoinders that he'll be crying step-uncle.
Jay: Yes! Dynamic wordplay! High-school kids love that!

Gloria: Manny has been working all his life to be president, and now Luke just salsas in and tries to take it away from him. It's not fair.
Claire: Look, this means a lot to Luke, too. It's given him a whole new sense of purpose.
Jay: I've heard enough, and I've made my decision. Manny will be president this term, and we'll run Luke next year.
Luke: I'm graduating.
Gloria: That's the spirit!

Mitchell: Oh, I was thinking about what you said yesterday, and you were right. We should be able to make our own decisions, you know?
Ronaldo: Ay, all I can say is, thank you again. Dane Edna, say hi to your foster daddies.
Cameron: Ronaldo, what's going on?
Mitchell: Oh, we're taking care of Dane Edna while Ronaldo takes Pepper to Asia for a medical procedure.
Cameron: Is everything okay?
Ronaldo: Oh, don't worry. Between us, he's getting a monkey chin in Laos.

Mitchell: Oh. Oh, and I'm sorry. I-I didn't ask you about this, but it's really important to me. And you said you'd support any decision I made.
Cameron: I'm not sure what you're doing, because you're being so subtle, but if you think a giant, slobbery dog is what this household needs, then color me gung ho.
Ronaldo: Here are her medicines. The ones wrapped in foil don't go in the mouth.
Mitchell: Okay.
Lily: [dog barks, takes food away from Lily] Ah.
Ronaldo: Ah, yeah. I'm so sorry. We've trained her to take carbs away from us.

Phil: Can you believe this young man has a grandkid in college?
Haley: Mm.
Merv Schechter: It's all about lifestyle. Really, I walk five miles a day, and I've had a tremendous amount of plastic surgery. Oh! I had a brainstorm on that property of yours that you're trying to unload. You know, where the people- [cut throat jesture] Ckkk!
Phil: Yeah.
Merv Schechter: You lean into it.
Phil: Hmm?
Merv Schechter: You- You call it "Massacre Manor," "Downton Stabby," "Charles Mansion." I mean, like, I-I got a million of them. Actually, I probably- I have three more.
Phil: See? A master.

Manny: What's with the suit?
Luke: Me? Why are you dressed like Nicki Minaj?
Manny: My mom and Jay said it made me more relatable. I feel like an idiot.
Luke: Yeah. Me too. My mom forced me to wear this so I'd be more like you.
Manny: Yeah, because I'd wear a brown belt with black shoes?
Luke: You know what we should do? Throw out our speeches and speak from the heart.
Manny: That's a great idea. You forgot your speech, didn't you?
Luke: I plead the second.

Manny: The point is, we are two individuals with our own unique personalties and ideas.
Luke: What he said.
[aside to camera:]
Luke: I won.
Manny: It was the lowest voter turnout in school history. They hated the both of us.
Luke: But you more.

Merv Schechter: So, Phil, what can I do you for?
Phil: Well, oh wise one [chuckles], uh, Luke here is President of the Student Council, but he needs some professional help.
Luke: I have a likability issue.
Merv Schechter: Yeah, I saw that when you came in. What we need to do is promote you, okay? I see a pin, "I like Luke." I see a bracelet, "Luke is no fluke." I see a stadium cushion, "Luke has your back... side."
Phil: [laughing] How do you do that?
Luke: How about phone cases?
Merv Schechter: Phone cases?
Phil: I am so sorry.
Merv Schechter: [exhales heavily] Sweetheart, this is why people don't like you.

Manny: Hey, Jay, do you need to julienne any vegetables?
Jay: What?
Manny: If so, you can use the knife your grandson jammed in my back.
Jay: Well, that was worth the journey.