Cameron: Luke! Put the fakon down!
Luke: I'm using it to scratch my throat!

Phil: Honey, try to relax.
Claire: I don't feel like relaxing, Phil! She has been in college for six weeks.
Phil: Yeah, and everyone goes a little crazy at first. I remember one night freshman year, a bunch of us on the frisbee golf team got a case of zima. Enough zaid.
Claire: More than enough.

Gloria: Jay, do you have some time today? We need to go and pick out a stroller.
Jay: Just get whatever you want. I mean, it's what you're gonna do anyway.
Gloria: What I want is a husband who likes to go shopping for a stroller with me.
Jay: If you had a husband who liked picking out strollers, you wouldn't be having a baby.

Gloria: Ay, Manny, I would go with you, but I'm so tired.
Jay: You just woke up. How are you tired?
Gloria: Maybe because I'm turning food into a human!

Jay: [aside to camera] I was dreading DeDe finding out that Gloria's pregnant. It's the one thing DeDe's hung on to, that she's the mother of my kids. And considering their history, I wasn't exactly looking forward to round four, especially now that Gloria's a bigger, slower target.

Jay: Hello, DeDe. How you doing?
Dede: Oh, mostly fine. I have something called a telescoping uterus. Long story.
Jay: Aw, jeez.

Nurse: What happened?
Cameron: Well, somebody gave him some soy bacon that was so good, he couldn't tell the difference. [answering phone] Mitchell, I can't talk right now.
Claire: Cam, it's Claire. My phone died. I just wanted to make sure the kids got to school okay.
Cameron: Oh, yeah, of course they did. Why wouldn't they have?
Doctor: I hear we got a boy who can't breathe?
Alex: Right here.
Claire: What was that?
Cameron: Oh, I'm just watching an original lifetime movie called "The Boy Who Can't Breathe."
Claire: That sounded like Alex.
Cameron: Nope. Just Amanda Bynes.

Alex: Oh, good God.
Cameron: Okay, Luke, the opening is supposed to be in the back.
Luke: No way. I don't want people to see my butt.

Cameron: Nobody's getting any more shots. We just have to wait for the swelling to go down. All right? I'm gonna go check on a little paperwork. I'll be right back.
Alex: [wearing doctor's gown] But if it doesn't go down, that leg might have to come off.
Luke: Sweet. Take them both. Then I could get some of those blade legs and finally be able to dunk.

Doctor: How you feeling, champ? What do we got here? The patient presents bronchial inflammation, dermal pruritus, and minor angioedema. Who can tell me the cause?
Alex: [wearing doctor's gown] It's an allergic reaction to soy.
Doctor: Very good. The rest of you have a lot to learn. Let's keep moving.
Alex: [to Lily] Stay with Luke.